Ask Barbara by Barbara De Angelis

Author:Barbara De Angelis [Angelis Ph.D., Barbara De]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-41710-7
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 1997-04-08T04:00:00+00:00

SEE ALSO QUESTIONS 12, 15, 31, 36, AND 37

46 How do you handle a partner who is very critical of you?

My girlfriend keeps trying to change everything about me, from how I dress, what I read, the grammar I use when I speak, even who my friends are. Nothing I do is ever perfect enough, and I live with constant criticism. I’m afraid I’ll never live up to her expectations. How can I get her to be less critical?

You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking me “How can I get her to be less critical?” you should be asking yourself “Why am I punishing myself by being in a relationship with someone who treats me like dirt?” Your girlfriend is making herself very clear—she doesn’t like you very much! She obviously sees you as someone whom she can either emotionally torture or rehabilitate, depending on the mood she’s in. You’re right… you can never live up to her expectations, because she is expecting you to be someone you aren’t. This isn’t a relationship—it’s self-flagellation on your part!

So what’s the answer to the real question: Why would you be attracted to a woman who treats you so terribly? You know what I’m going to say—it goes back to your emotional programming from childhood (see Questions 12 and 15). You’re undoubtedly repeating a pattern you first experienced when you were young, one in which you had to work hard to gain the attention, praise, or approval of someone whom you loved very much. Maybe Dad or Mom was super critical, and nothing you did was ever good enough. Your grades should have been better, you should have excelled more at sports, you should have had a better attitude, etc. etc. You may have made an unconscious decision that “I’m not good enough, and I have to work hard to get someone to love me.” By attracting a woman who treats you like a child she’s trying to “raise” properly, you’ve put yourself right back home with your parents. It’s as if you are trying to finish that unfinished emotional business—“maybe this time, I’ll finally please someone I love.”

Maybe it wasn’t you who was criticized as a child, but one of your parents by the other. Perhaps Mom tongue-lashed Dad constantly, and he was a lovable but pathetic wimp. In trying to unconsciously be loyal to Dad, you choose women like his wife, and tolerate the same abuse he did. We often act out one parent’s role with the other in a psychological attempt to “keep that parent company” in his pain. I’ve seen people who are doing this find it extremely difficult to break their family pattern, feeling almost as if leaving an unhealthy or abusive situation similar to their parent’s would be a kind of betrayal of that parent.

No matter what your reason for being involved with a woman who treats you in this demeaning fashion, one thing is clear: You need to end the relationship now! I suggest

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.