All Men Are Jerks by Daylle Deanna Schwartz

Author:Daylle Deanna Schwartz
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Adams Media

PART THREE

SURVIVAL TACTICS

Chapter Fourteen

Activating Your Jerk Alert System

“A little while she strove, and much repented, And whispering ‘I will ne’er consent’ —consented.”

LORD BYRON

So you don’t want to be involved with a jerk anymore? Once you know that you’ve had it with men who aren’t healthy for you, create a jerk alert system. There are definite, obvious signs in men that they are or can be jerks. Those who you recognize the patterns in blatantly, who seem to revel in living up to the label, probably aren’t worth staying with no matter what. But men who have the potential to make good partners need to be given a message from the get-go. It’s up to you to help them understand you have certain standards that are essential in a relationship.

Many women were brought up believing that it’s their responsibility to make a relationship work. And work you do, as you ignore or rationalize away signs that should warn you to change your response or leave. Pay attention to the amount of effort you put into maintaining a relationship as compared to how much effort he puts in. You can’t have a good relationship if you’re working all the time. When trying to fix a relationship becomes a way of life, stop! What’s the point of living in a continuous state of depression or disappointment? When you feel you get nowhere after trying hard to meet his needs, communicating with him, and giving support, you’re nowhere.

Men give you clues that they are or can be jerks if you don’t change your response to them. Yet we often use defenses to justify what bothers us so things remain status quo in an unhealthy relationship. Yes, “All men are jerks until proven otherwise,” but a large number of them have the potential to be reasonably good partners, if you set boundaries from the beginning. Using old defenses to ignore what makes you unhappy won’t make you happy. Not waiting until a relationship gets intolerable before you consider alternatives can make him “prove otherwise.” Toni told me:

I look back on my relationship with Jim and wonder why I stayed so long. Why did I think I was so happy when I was miserable at least half the time? Yet I didn’t want to admit it. I kept thinking he’d change… that he’d come around with more consideration for my feelings. I’ve always been able to create reasons for staying with a guy who brings me pain. I ignored so much… excused so much. I need to find a way to look at what I don’t like in a man from the beginning and decide rationally if I should stay. Yes, I feel very irrational when I like a guy. That’s why I’ll do anything to keep myself from seeing that he’s no good for me. Maybe if I weren’t so afraid of losing him, I could act differently, in a way that told him I wasn’t taking all his crap. Can we do that?

Yes, you

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