A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Shalit Wendy

Author:Shalit, Wendy [Shalit, Wendy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Free Press
Published: 2014-05-20T04:00:00+00:00

8

MALE CHARACTER

March 18, 1997

Dear Wendy,

Of course I remember you, and I do have some ideas on modesty. It really is inexorably entwined with dignity, and I think applies to both sexes. Probably both necessary for the survival of any society in a palatable form, where people accept one’s need for privacy and yet the importance, also, of mutual intimacy that’s supportive, not reciprocally dependent. Without modesty, social lives are pretty rugged, tending to be characterized by mutual slyness, or bullying and crass ruthlessness, in reducing the experience to an unrewarding competition. Keeping “rules” of consideration and grace, wrapped in a “modesty” approach, prevents us from punishing each other, as we are all capable of doing under the pressure of social competitiveness, where caring, unless it is genuine, can disappear in a flash. Sending respectful signals to each other is also what helps us recognize others who can genuinely maintain consideration of another’s needs and feelings. Well, you asked!

—A MALE FRIEND FROM MILWAUKEE

A n ad for British Sterling reads, “Once in a while a man comes along who isn’t afraid to be a gentleman.” What can it mean to be “afraid to be a gentleman”? After years of attacking gentlemanly behavior—of Jill Johnston, for example, warning us of the evils loosed upon the world by “the age of shrivelry” in Lesbian Nation: The Feminist Solution —men are literally afraid to be nice to women. Every man has a story about the time he opened a door for a woman, and she slammed it on his hand, and every woman a story about a door slammed in her face. Mark my words: if you pose the simple question “should men open doors for women?” to a random male passerby, nine times out of ten he will chant in eerie Orwellian fashion, “People should open doors for people! ”

Since there can no longer be any talk of the proper relation that ought to exist between the sexes—for that would be “imposing values”—all we can do is furiously sue for sexual harassment, hold rallies against date rape, and write articles about why there is nothing much we can do about stalking. Since we can no longer preempt these kinds of problems with commonly enforced codes of conduct, we can only seek punishment once an actual crime has occurred. But there is a significant difference between the nuanced, more supple codes of conduct which sought to prevent rapes, by inspiring men with respect for female modesty, and heavy-handed regulations that attempt to substitute for such respect by warning of the perils of depriving women of equal opportunity. The latter view, instead of encouraging respect for women, seems to have made them weaker. Instead of informing the relation between the sexes, demystifying codes of conduct as “sexist” and equating marriage with rape has poisoned it.

Yet our popular culture—our fashion and entertainment industries—is, slowly but surely, breaking through this layer of accepted dogma, and increasingly portraying women frustrated by our state of affairs totally devoid of codes of conduct.

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