ZAP: Confessions of a Channel Changer by Simon P

Author:Simon P
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Paul Lima
Published: 2021-02-02T00:00:00+00:00

Day 10, the big fat hen

Am I doomed to spit out words like a punch drunk boxer who has lost his mouth guard spits out teeth ... or shit out words, like a hypochondriac who has over-dosed on prunes shits out ...

stuck in the verbal outhouse i am without a Tv to ZAP or a magazine to read or to use to clean up my mess ...

are you satisfied Goat: i shit my pants. & the orderlies have locked me in—of course i was cursing & screaming. what the fuck do they expect. alone with myself—and i hate myself. of course i'm going to argue with myself ...

but i'm not done with this shit, am i?

+ + +

Here with you; there without you. All feels the same. I don't get it. You are driving me fucking crazy... mind you, when not with you, nothing compels me to continue. & yet, I am so compelled to continue... what is this hold you've got on me? you've really got a hold on me. and yet say you next to nothing, which feels as if it says so much...sad songs, when all hope is gone, sad words say so much... they reach into your room... Turn them on, turn them on... Goat, why don't you tune in and turn me off?

Just feel their gentle touch... there is no gentle touch...

i stood in the kitchen & i shit my pants. & my mother opened her eyes & acted not at all surprised. 'Oh simon,' she said as she stepped into her skirt. & the grocery delivery man disappeared into the shadows. 'you're home early simon. you're not well?' she said. 'Let's go lay down ... '

+ + +

turn the page.

start with a fresh page. rip out the page. use the page to wipe away the shit that has floated up & turned my memory into something other than this hellish place where i am now, lost in time & space—reliving my hell ... still living in hell ...

wipe the slate clean ... start all over again. i've got to forget everything i have remembered—it's the only way to escape from this hellish dream ...

it was all a dream, Goat. it was all a dream. nobody shot j.r.—nobody fucked me from behind, nobody fucked my mama on the kitchen table. the smell of lilacs means shit to me.

+ + +

He scores. He shoots. & nine months later he's faced with the threat of a paternity suit.

instant replays show an offside pass began the rush, but the referee—out of position on the play—allowed the goal.

She claimed a deliberate attempt to injure on his part should have resulted in a misconduct. He swore she should've been penalized for hooking.

The siren sounds & the game is over, ending in an aborted tie. But the ice has been broken & the donnybrook continues, long after the last spectator has left the arena.

+ + +

This is what the Goat said to do. He said: Write it down. Write it all down as it comes back to you.

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