Undefended Love by Psaris Jett & Lyons Marlena S

Author:Psaris, Jett & Lyons, Marlena S. [Psaris, Jett]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: limerence, Psychology, Self Help, Love & Romance, KindlePurchase
ISBN: 9781608822553
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Published: 2000-10-12T07:00:00+00:00

Agreements: How They Prolong Closeness and Prevent Intimacy

A partnership rooted in the healthy closeness stage values equality; the couple places an emphasis on creating and maintaining a foundation of “shared power” as opposed to “power over.” Because we choose to take someone else’s desires into account, we negotiate instead of simply taking or being taken from. This ability and desire to compromise, however, can lead to more sophisticated approaches to maintaining our defense structure. Surprisingly enough, one such method is making agreements.

Because making agreements is based on a couple’s common interest in resolving a problem or issue, this method surpasses the fighting and despairing experiences that are common at the level of unhealthy dependency. This capacity reflects an increase in the maturity and flexibility of the partners. When an agreement is not kept, they generally go back to the bargaining table and negotiate, compromise, and barter to get the relationship back on track.

This ability to forge and keep agreements is a prerequisite to undefended loving. However, instead of helping us find ways to dismantle the walls between us, making agreements leaves them unchallenged and intact. If we wish to move beyond healthy closeness, we must shift our focus off agreements and onto what we are trying to “get” by making them. For example, when an agreement breaks down, rather than renegotiate a new one, we can instead use the opportunity as a gateway to new levels of personal growth.

To do this, however, we must temporarily risk the level of closeness we have thus far achieved. How this is done will be addressed further in the next chapter. Here we will explore the rewards of one couple’s commitment to dig below their surface reality. The resulting short-term instability can be both challenging and rewarding. Because this couple has enjoyed the supportive environment of healthy closeness, they have developed personal resources and confidence in each other that can sustain them during the destabilizing short-term exchange described below.

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