Uncivil Rites by Steven Salaita

Author:Steven Salaita
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Politics, Current Affairs
ISBN: 978-1-60846-578-1
Publisher: Haymarket Books
Published: 2015-09-18T04:00:00+00:00

Twelve

Shame on Me

Life has been chaotic since Wise’s letter arrived on August 2, 2014.31 Getting the letter on a Saturday was a curse. Diana and I had to wait nearly two days until anybody would be on campus. We forwarded the message to a lawyer who had advised us during the “support our troops” kerfuffle. He was on vacation in Italy, but, in an act of generosity I consider life-saving, sprung to action, giving us advice and contacting colleagues who might help. We worked closely until I ended up settling on my current legal team, which includes the Center for Constitutional Rights. The University of Illinois ruined not only my career but a brilliant lawyer’s Italian vacation.

That Saturday, I spoke with Robert Warrior and Jodi Byrd, acting head of AIS when I was recruited and hired. They were equally stunned. Both expressed concern about my family’s well-being. The entire department was supportive. No matter what happens, I will always be honored to call them my colleagues. Robert and Jodi both assured me that they would investigate the matter and still expected to welcome me to the department. There was nothing to do but wait.

I kept the news quiet. I knew that media coverage would weaken the possibility of resolving the problem. I figured that if the story went public, people would invest themselves in various positions and make everything intractable. I was committed to working it out behind closed doors with university administrators. It turns out that I never had an opportunity to speak with Wise. Events in subsequent months showed that UIUC would have been unwilling to reconsider its decision.

I had to tell my parents, siblings, and in-laws, though. Doing so was probably the most difficult part of the ordeal. My parents were supportive, but visibly worried. I hated that they’d seen their three children become successful and self-sufficient only for one of them to lapse into dependence. I knew that they’d become even more worried once people began talking about me. My siblings, with whom I’m extremely close, responded in the best way possible, as did my in-laws, with whom I’m also extremely close. Nobody chided or upbraided me. They made arrangements to help.

But the feelings of shame didn’t abate.32 I couldn’t face Diana. I felt like a failed father. I began smoking too many cigarettes. I ate unhealthy food at odd hours. I refused to sleep until after dropping off my son at school. In my mind, I had let down my family; nothing would move me from that perception. My default personality is happy, but stress can be a more forceful motivator. I recognized that I needed to restore myself to a more congenital disposition, but I had no energy for this sort of readjustment. It can be difficult to comprehend how important our careers are to our identities until we no longer have them.

Having been trained in so many environments to automatically side with sites of power, it’s difficult for us to discern the inequitable dynamics of controversy, even when we exist as controversial subjects.

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