The Myth of the Spoiled Child by Alfie Kohn

Author:Alfie Kohn [Kohn, Alfie]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780738217253
Publisher: Da Capo Press

CHAPTER 7

Why Self-Discipline Is Overrated

A Closer Look at Grit, Marshmallows, and Control from Within

There’s not much mystery about the purpose of punishments and rewards: They’re generally intended to elicit compliance. Any adult who regards that as a priority will be tempted to make children suffer in some way if they fail to do what they’re told, if they slack off or talk back. Alternatively, he or she may offer praise or some other goodie when they follow directions. But the problem with both of these strategies, even for someone who finds them morally unobjectionable, is that they require continuous monitoring. An authority figure has to be available to hand out rewards or punishments as the child’s behavior merits, and that’s just not very practical. Thus, those who place a premium on obedience may dream of somehow “equipping the child with a built-in supervisor”1 so he’ll keep following the rules, even when no adult is around.

Think for a moment about the word disciplined. It can refer to making a concerted effort at a task (“She’s so disciplined that she spent more than an hour weeding the garden”) or to having been trained to obey authority (“They’ve been disciplined, so they shouldn’t give the babysitter any trouble”). If the goal is to induce children to work hard or to behave in a particular way on their own, then the most expedient arrangement for parents and teachers is to get the children to discipline themselves. Or, as we prefer to say, to be self-disciplined.

This basic concept actually includes a constellation of specific ideas. “Self-discipline” might be defined as marshaling one’s willpower to accomplish things that are regarded as desirable, whereas “self-control” means applying that same sort of willpower to prevent oneself from doing what is seen to be undesirable. In practice, these often function as two aspects of the same machinery of self-regulation—the point being to override one’s “natural” tendencies—so I’ll use the two terms more or less interchangeably. There are also two specific applications of self-discipline: perseverance (or “grit”); and the practice of deferring gratification, in which kids are transformed from lazy grasshoppers into hard-working ants by convincing them to put off doing what they enjoy.

Search for these terms in indexes of published books, scholarly articles, or Internet sites, and you’ll quickly discover how rare it is to find a discouraging word, or even a penetrating question, about their value. That may be because all of them fit naturally with the traditionalist sensibility I’ve been exploring throughout this book. Anyone who believes that children are spoiled, disobedient, and self-satisfied, that they don’t do enough to earn the praise they get or the esteem they have for themselves, would probably see these as promising strategies to make kids act in such a way as to become more deserving.

Which brings us to the marshmallow meme.

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