The Grip of Film by Richard Ayoade

Author:Richard Ayoade [Richard Ayoade]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780571316571
Publisher: Faber & Faber
Published: 2017-05-12T04:00:00+00:00

HOTNESS

Hotness ain’t about core temperature. Actors with excess body heat are not ‘hot’. A movie actor can be feverish, his back tacky with brine, but the audience may remain unmoved.

Hotness is an index of allure.

So why do actors have to be so alluring? In what way does an actor’s attractiveness improve the story?

By helping us give a damn.

It’s very hard to care about ugly people. Looking at an ugly person is a BUMMER. Looking at an attractive person is great! Sometimes you can get an erection just by looking at an attractive person! What a gift an erection is! You can’t get an erection from looking at an ugly person! In fact, your current erection might disappear! Who knows when you’ll be able to get another one? It could be years! Before you know it, you’re crying and you start to think, ‘I can’t stop! I’m going to be crying for ever!’

All these emotions distract us from the story. But when you see someone who’s attractive, you can’t take your eyes off them. Sometimes you’ll start following them – spying on them, even! And what is a movie other than a bunch of people agreeing to let another bunch of people spy on them for a fee?

That said, there are movies that don’t star attractive people.

We even have a name for them.

FLOPS.

See: BUMMERS; FLOPS; HOMELY HOTNESS

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