The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton

Author:Dossie Easton [Easton, Dossie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-79048-4
Publisher: Ten Speed Press
Published: 2011-04-19T16:00:00+00:00

EXERCISE Feelings Dyad

The purpose of this exercise is to speak about your own feelings in such a way that your partner can hear you, and to listen carefully to your partner’s feelings. Each person gets three minutes to speak while the other listens.

Choose a time when you and your partner(s) can spend half an hour or forty-five minutes with no interruptions. Choose who will speak and who will listen. Set a timer for three minutes—five if you’re feeling adventurous, but no more.

Remember, feelings like to be heard. So while you are listening, all you are going to say are things that indicate listening, like “Okay,” “Yes,” “I hear you,” and “I understand.”

Read about I-messages, earlier in this chapter. Remember that we can ask our beloveds to listen to us talk about our feelings and how we are doing. It’s not fair to ask anyone to stand still and be a target for accusations and blame, so for this exercise, sentences beginning with “You” are out of bounds. Both of you should try to maintain eye contact during this exercise.

Try this as a script to talk about jealousy, and you can later use it to discuss any emotional situations. Here is a script you can follow: Listener: “About jealousy, what would you like to tell me?”

Speaker: “When I look inside, I find …” (speaking as long as is comfortable)

Listener (throughout): “Yes.” “I hear you.” “Okay.” “Uh-huh.” (and so on)

Listener (when Speaker stops): “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me about that?”

Speaker (may continue, or say): “No. I’m through for now.” Listener: “Thank you.”

Listeners will often find themselves full of ideas, suggestions, and so on, which they need to keep to themselves. Put your own ideas aside for these few minutes, and pay attention to what it’s like to just focus on listening. Because you may be full of responses to what you have heard, we suggest waiting a bit or doing something else before switching roles.

These are intimate conversations. Show your appreciation to your partner for being brave enough to talk about these struggles. Hugs work great.

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