The Cuckoo Syndrome by Andrea Anderson Polk

Author:Andrea Anderson Polk
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Forefront Books
Published: 2022-05-03T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 7 THE PERFECTIONISM CUCKOO

When Passions Become Obsessions

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.

—G. K. ChESTERTON

PERFECTIONISM HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY biggest self-inflicted cuckoo. Here is an example of perfectionism hitting me directly in the face. I was in the final phase of pursuing my profession as a licensed counselor, and I had completed my residency and an arduous application process. After a couple of years, finally, the moment arrived: I could begin preparing for the board exam. The journey to this point was a victory, as it required a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a master’s degree in clinical counseling, a three-thousand-hour residency (including 250 hours of supervision), and passing the board of counseling licensure exam. As you can imagine, I was relieved the process was ending.

I went into this final step of studying for the board exam both exhilarated and terrified. But I did not spend nearly as much time preparing as I should have, as I was advised to do. I thought I would pass this with no problem. My pride went before my fall.

I clicked “Submit” on my computer screen and I was excited as I pranced over to the proctor to receive my results, which were to be immediately reported as pass or fail. I was utterly devastated and disbelieving when the proctor handed me my results: fail. I nearly fainted. I was a few points from passing. To make matters worse, my significant other, who had driven me to the exam and had given me a card reading, “I look forward to celebrating your victory together,” was waiting for me at a coffee shop around the corner. I immediately wished I had come alone, was single again, and could disappear. My pride was shattered.

I had to wait four months before I could retake the exam, and let me tell you, I really studied this time around. However, it was not just intense studying that occurred during those four months. I experienced a season of conviction. By this I mean, rather than focusing on what was wrong, I focused on what was missing in my life and my relationship with Christ.

I was the client again. God’s client. He was my Wonderful Counselor. I had never felt so naked, exposed, and vulnerable. That’s what happens when your career, your dream becomes your identity.

I came face-to-face with my own brokenness, humanness, and shame. I felt exposed. I hadn’t realized how much of my identity, worth, and value were neatly wrapped up in my performance and in what others thought about me. I used those months for more than just studying to retake the exam, and I immersed myself in God’s Word, soul-searching, meditation, journaling, and spending time with mentors.

I realized I had been operating in pride, fear, and perfectionism. I had come to the realization that, as I was preparing for the exam the first time around, I couldn’t absorb the material because it was being blocked by my performance anxiety. I didn’t give myself ample time to prepare.

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