Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust after Porn by Matt Fradd & Cameron Fradd

Author:Matt Fradd & Cameron Fradd [Fradd, Matt]
Language: ara
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Catholic Answers Press
Published: 2015-08-19T06:00:00+00:00

—Derek Walcott

Inspired by this poem, I learned to love myself. I learned to care for myself. I learned to set healthy boundaries. I learned the skill of happiness. It took years.

I found that I could love others more. I had more compassion for the weaknesses of others, more patience.

Knowing that I am a daughter of God, and by default worthy of being loved and cherished, I started to break up with men who didn’t adore me (which was every one). But I was okay with that. I could ask for and expect a whole-hearted relationship. I came to believe that I could find a partner who would love me freely, with a kind, pure heart. And I actively began seeking that type of person.

Then I met Jake. Within days of meeting online, we talked on the phone. Immediately we both felt a connection. Having a concrete sense of what I wanted, I finally had the courage to say, “I really like you. I’m only interested in continuing to talk if you’re serious about having a relationship. I’d like you to call me every day at 9 p.m.”

He didn’t push back. In fact, he was excited. He said, “Are you my phone girlfriend?”

I said, “Yes, we’re exclusively phoning.”

Three months later, we traveled the long distance to meet in person, and our connection grew and grew. I set boundaries early on. One of my boundaries was no porn. I told him that I would not tolerate my boyfriend using porn or masturbating, and he readily agreed.

In that moment, he lied. And then, the next two years were built on that lie. He had been habitually masturbating for years, and thought that marriage would solve his problem.

We got engaged, and most of our engagement was a beautiful, exciting time. But about once a week, he would lash out at me about something small. I saw the red flag, and I told him he would have to get therapy for his anger once we got married. But I, too, had the mistaken idea that sex would help. In fact, his family witnessed one of the times he lashed out at me, and his mom said, “It’s just because you can’t have sex. Once you can have sex, he won’t be like that anymore.”

When marriage didn’t solve all his sinful problems, like he thought it would, he blamed me—though not to my face. He was lying constantly by this time: lying to cover up the first lie and to continue hiding his behavior. But as he blamed me from inside his own head, he became increasingly irritable and angry. We fought about everything.

One day, I made cookies for the neighbors. He came home from work and smelled the cookies, but couldn’t find any. I said, “I took the cookies to the neighbors.”

He said, “What?! How could you? Do you not have any respect or love for me? What kind of wife does that to her husband?”

I said, “There’s cookie dough in the fridge. Would you like me to bake some for you now? It’ll take ten minutes.

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