Renaissance Porn Star: The Saga of Pietro Aretino, The World's Greatest Hustler by Mark Lamonica

Author:Mark Lamonica [Lamonica, Mark]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
Published: 2013-08-13T18:30:00+00:00

You have all heard, the Pope had a great beast, which was called an elephant, and how he held him in high honor and loved him immensely. Now, you must know the animal has died. When the animal was sick the Pope was filled with woe. He summoned many doctors, saying: “Save my elephant.” They did the best they could. They examined the elephant’s urine and gave him a great purgative, which weighed five hundred ounces. But it did not take effect and so he is dead and now the Pope greatly grieves.

I must point out that Hutten was no ordinary German writer; he was a militant soldier-scholar with a wicked sense of humor. Hutten advocated killing Catholic priests in Germany and a complete break with Papal Rome. If I had to describe him in a sentence, I would say he was part Adolf Hitler, part Bill O’Reilly.

While in Rome the audacious German writer decided to translate Lorenzo Valla’s work on “The Forged Decretals of Constantine,” and then he had the gall to dedicate the work to Leo X, challenging him to renounce his temporal powers over Germany. It is certain that Hutten’s account of “Hanno the Elephant” and his translation of “The Forged Decretals of Constantine” reached the fatherland and, more importantly, may have wound up in the hands of his incorrigible protégé Martin Luther. I’m leading up to something.

All of Rome was gossiping about the grieving pope and his dead elephant. Many laughed behind the pontiff ’s back as he prepared the giant animal for ritual burial in the Vatican Gardens. Multitudes gathered for the strange spectacle. That’s when Aretino and Chigi seized the moment like Barnes & Noble to make a killing. I forgot to mention, Agostino Chigi maintained a printing press in the basement of his palace.

On June 18, 1516, Hanno, “the great Elephant,” was laid to rest. And then a mysterious comic pamphlet surfaced on the streets, sent like a sign from heaven, and everyone began buying it. The work was titled “The Last Will and Testament of the Elephant.” It relates how Hanno commissioned an anonymous scribe (Aretino) to make copies of his last will and testament and have it circulated so that all of Rome would know why he died. It was superbly executed, with an exquisite engraving of Hanno, created by the divine hand of Raphael’s famous workshop. An official seal was attached to the document to draw attention to the authenticity of the work, which now resides in the Vatican Library.

“The Elephant of India,” it began, “which the great King Manuel of Portugal sent to Pope Leo X, has lived in Rome for four years under the care of Zuan Battista Aquila. But now having fallen gravely ill because of the deplorable Roman air and the small rations that his stingy keeper, Zuan Battista, fed him, now realizes through his enormous intelligence that there is nothing more certain than his death. Therefore, he desires to make final disposition of his worldly affairs….

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