Polyamorous by Jenny Yuen

Author:Jenny Yuen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dundurn
Published: 2018-10-15T16:00:00+00:00

Farther east, in Fredericton, New Brunswick, Susan described her husband, fifty-six-year-old Tom, and her fifty-year-old boyfriend Harry as two gender extremes on a wide spectrum. She tends to gravitate toward very alpha males, very feminine females, androgyny, and fluidity. “Harry falls into the category of very feminine male androgyny. Tom is very much the alpha male — ‘I can hunt a deer, bring it home, butcher it, put it in the freezer, and fix the car when I’m done.’”

Take those two very different personalities and put them under one roof. Susan, forty-eight, said they’ve been a real complement to one another. “In 2012, Tom’s back gave out — he had a degenerative back disease for about twenty-five years — and it had deteriorated enough that his doctor advised him that it was time to take long-term disability and start planning for surgery. But him having to adjust [to] not being at the office full-time, being in a state of continual recovery and agony, has been pretty trying.”

That’s when Harry stepped in and stepped up.

“One of the nice things about having Harry in the relationship and in the household is that [Tom] has companionship, someone who can help him do things around the home without having to rely on me a hundred percent of the time,” Susan told me.

“I’m self-employed and there are times when I have to travel for work, and Harry is there to help. The built-in support is invaluable — I swear I would have gone crazy ages ago without Harry.”

She acknowledges she’s lucky to be in her position as the hinge. “I’m sitting back and watching this — I’ve got the easy part. It’s the guys having to learn to navigate the relationship with each other that probably was the hard thing, especially in the early years.”

No one sets out to be the mortar between someone’s brick, but that’s just what metamours and hinges can evolve to. They become the glue that cements the foundation of a polyamorous relationship and without a firm connection between these elements, the Jenga tower begins to tip. “A metamour is just like you,” writes DeWayne Lehman, author of Polyamory: It’s Not Complicated. “They care about the person that you care about. And they can be an invaluable resource when you work together. They can be a friend that you can confide in.… You are on the same team.”

You don’t get to pick your metamours. But also remember, they don’t get to pick you, either.

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