Partners In Passion by Mark Michaels

Author:Mark Michaels [Michaels, Mark A.; Johnson, Patricia]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cleis Press

How to Build Sexual Trust

We have discussed the importance of trust in all relationships. Now we’ll provide you with some tools for building sexual trust together. This will involve establishing some clear boundaries and hard rules, some of which may be negotiable in the future or may change over time. The essence of sexual trust is not rule-based, so some aspects will be more ambiguous, depending on time, circumstances, and your knowledge of and instincts about each other. As you gain more experience, you will be able to be more flexible and make judgments in the moment. As you start out, however, rules will be more important, and we recommend that you talk them through, agree on them, and stick to them.

Having rules is a way of ensuring your emotional alignment while establishing a foundation for exploring more freely. This is because the recognition that your partner knows the boundaries and respects them will be reinforced over time, and having this awareness deepens trust. If you follow the rules at the beginning, you will be creating the conditions for being more flexible in the future.

Your sexuality is shaped by an array of forces, many of which function entirely or almost entirely at an unconscious level. Being truly open and connected with your partner involves taking significant emotional risks. When people start exploring new ways of being sexual, more open ways of relating, or even just sharing long-held fantasies, unexpected things can happen; all sorts of repressed or unrecognized material can emerge. There may be feelings of urgency, the sense that a previously unknown or unacknowledged desire needs to be met and needs to be met now. At the same time, expressing these newly discovered desires or ones that have been kept secret for years can lead to feelings of vulnerability. Rules make it much easier to manage both the urgency and the vulnerability, and knowing that the rules have been honored builds confidence and trust.

While we don’t believe in radical or promiscuous honesty, in the context of sexual adventuring being honest is essential. (See the section “Build Trust and Create Goodwill” in Chapter 4.) If you are exploring together, you must be truthful and kind. Being transparent will reinforce your partner’s sense that you are worthy of being trusted, that you are not like that former lover who was deceitful, and that your explorations are truly a joint venture.

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