Love Cycles, Fear Cycles by David Woodsfellow

Author:David Woodsfellow
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781590794784
Publisher: SelectBooks, Inc.
Published: 2017-02-12T05:00:00+00:00

HAVE COMPASSION

Your partner’s circle gives you the opportunity to feel compassion. The reason they’re fighting or flying is that they’re fearful. If you can focus on their underlying fear, you can change your cycle. Take your eyes off their arrow and look at the circle behind it. Focus on the vulnerable feeling that’s driving their behavior. They’re feeling threatened; have compassion for that.

I know that Deborah withdraws when she’s feeling intimidated, so my goal is to focus on that feeling. When Deborah seems withdrawn or distant, I’ve started asking her, “What’s going on with you, sweetie?” “What’s happening?” “Are you troubled about something?” This is very different from angrily demanding, “Stop withdrawing!”

Deborah does the same for me. When she sees me angry, she considers if I might be feeling abandoned in some way. She asks me about that. Instead of saying, “Don’t get angry!” she says, “What’s wrong, honey?” She wants to address the feelings underneath my anger.

Compassion is deciding to focus on your partner’s feelings (their circle). It means not focusing on what they’re doing wrong (their arrow), what they’re accusing you of doing wrong (your arrow), or on how badly you feel (your circle). Although this is hard to do, it works amazingly well. When you wholeheartedly have compassion for their feelings, you’re no longer a threat. You’re someone who cares, someone who loves them. They’ll be less reactive, and your fear cycle will go away.

Of course this works in the other direction as well. Life is certainly easier when your partner does this for you too. But don’t wait for them to go first. It’s so much easier to change yourself than it is to change your partner. It’s better to go first yourself. Give it a try. Don’t demand mutuality at first.

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