Learning to Commit by Avrum Nadigel

Author:Avrum Nadigel [Avrum Nadigel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage & Long Term Relationships, FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Love & Romance
Publisher: Self-Counsel Press
Published: 2015-09-01T04:00:00+00:00

3.5 Jealousy and external threats

“I’ve never been the jealous type, so I don’t understand why I’m so bothered by your platonic relationship with Cathy.”

“This is totally crazy — I’m not even attracted to Cathy.”

“You say that, but … ”

If I don’t intervene in conversations like these, I’ve seen the back-and-forth accusations and justifications go on ad infinitum. Often, I’ll interrupt the cycle by saying, “You know, you can do this for free at home. Which one of you is able to pull yourself out of this tug of war?” Too frequently, a couple is too tangled up in the web of jealousy to hear what I’m saying.

What’s the biggest source of jealousy these days? It’s no surprise that where jealousy plays out most often is on the Internet, usually in the form of pornography and online chatting. As we all know, pornography is everywhere, at our fingertips 24/7. As well, meeting someone new or reconnecting with an old friend and creating an online flirtation is so simple we’ve almost all done it. Today’s therapists are deluged with clients who come to see them upon discovering their partner’s covert online life. Sometimes, it’s not even covert: the partner doesn’t bother to hide his or her porn surfing or Internet dalliance.

This book is not focused on the ethics (or lack thereof) of Internet sexual activities. But the jealousy that ensues can be a factor in any relationship. As with non-computerized erotica, the lower one’s level of differentiation, the more likely he or she will experience the other’s pornography or sex-laced chats as a violation or betrayal. This is because it greatly threatens his or her reflected sense of self, identity, and security. Using the Internet for sexual stimulation or emotional affairs is especially corrosive to relationships built on the shaky foundation of emotional fusion, which includes, unfortunately, far too many marriages.

If you rely on your partner to “complete” you, to make you feel worthy, attractive, and lovable, then any threat to your relationship will be too much to bear. You need to maintain a feeling of togetherness in order to maintain your equilibrium. When your relationship is solid, you feel solid. But when imagined or real problems come to the fore, you muster forces, ready to defend and attack at a moment’s notice. The idea of your relationship ending might make you feel jittery, anxious, and lost. Some experience the loss of their relationship as the loss of themselves: a profoundly frightening thought.

When people lack internal stability — a strong sense of self and self-esteem — they rely heavily on their relationships for stability and meaning. When that’s the case, they are vulnerable to feeling destabilized by internal or external anxiety. Some people react to this instability by trying to get closer to their partners, either physically or emotionally. But this kind of move can make the problem worse, because it frequently triggers a counter-reaction as their partners withdraw from the closeness. According to family therapist Roberta M. Gilbert, when this happens,

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