How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating by Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Author:Henry Cloud & John Townsend [Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Conversation, Confrontation, Communication
ISBN: 9780310267140
Amazon: 0310267145
Barnesnoble: 0310267145
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2003-01-01T22:00:00+00:00

Say, for example, that you want to confront your roommate about not picking up after herself in the apartment, but she tends to divert the conversation away from her problem. A good way to start with grace and love might be to say, “I’d like to talk about keeping the apartment neat. I have a problem with how you leave dishes and clothes all around, and I’d like to find a solution to this problem. At the same time, I want you to know that I’m not trying to put you down. I really value our friendship, and I like being with you. In fact, I am bringing this up because the problem is getting in the way of our relationship. I want to be closer, not farther from you.”

There is, of course, no guarantee that your roommate will respond openly, even though you have done your best to lay a foundation at the very beginning that attempts to reach out to her. The next step is for her to either receive that attempt or refuse it. Even if she refuses it, you have done a good thing by beginning with grace and love.

Don’t React to Reactions

When the person you are confronting reacts in one of the ways we have mentioned, you will be sorely tempted to respond in kind: anger to anger, blame to blame. This is the most natural thing in the world. When we are attacked, we protect ourselves, and sometimes we attack back. At the same time, the most natural thing in the world may not be the best, most helpful, or most mature thing to do: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil” (Rom. 12:17). This is why you need to be in control of how you respond to an attack. If you are not, the talk can quickly degenerate into an argument or alienation.

Suppose, for example, you tell your wife that you need for her to be less distant and more interested in your life. She may say, “You’re the one who is distant. You don’t care about what I think or feel; it’s always about you. Why don’t you ever talk to me about how I am doing?”

You might be tempted to say, “Listen to yourself. You just proved my point. I couldn’t even bring up how I feel without you throwing it back at me. Can’t you for once just listen to my side without blaming it all on me?”

Even if these statements are true, they are not helpful.

Give up the right to pay back in kind. Remember that there needs to be at least one adult present in the room for a problem to be solved. You may have to have a “tight rein” on your tongue (James 1:26) and speak from your maturity rather than from your hurt or anger.

You could respond to your wife this way: “I’m really sorry you feel that way. I don’t want you to think I’m not interested in what is going on with you.

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