How to Be an Adult in Love by David Richo

Author:David Richo
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala Publications

Lust is strong sexual desire that does not require relatedness to be satisfied. It is different from love, even from a physical standpoint. We now understand, for instance, that in our brain chemistry, love responses are located in the tegumental nucleus and caudate nucleus, which release dopamine, a pleasure mediator. Lust, however, resides in the hypothalamus, where more primal needs, such as hunger and thirst, reside. Thus, the fulfillment of our sexual desire can feel like a survival issue. This may be why love feels good all over and leads to repose, while lust will keep us wanting more.

Lust is also associated with an increase in the release of testosterone and estrogen. The in-love state of high romance is characterized by a release of pheromones, norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. This release can be sustained only temporarily, so it cannot be the basis for long-term commitment. Once “the thrill is gone,” we have nothing going for us unless we mature into a deeper kind of love. Full mature bonding provides a release of vasopressin and oxytocin, the chemicals we discussed earlier, which are associated with comforting and nurturant attachment.

Love happens between two subjects. Lust is from possessing subject to possessed object, even when both participants feel the lust. Love makes our security grow, while possessiveness increases uncertainty. Real love leads to grief when the loved one is gone. Lustful possessiveness leads to anxiety and aggression when its object is not available to fulfill the subject’s needs.

The less driven we are by adrenaline, the more able we are to love authentically. A bond of serene love appeals to the part of us that wants serenity, an oxytocin and serotonin response. It is not that lust is wrong, only that it has to be watched lest it obsess and possess us, as in addiction.

In the addictive state, we are caught in the illusion that there is someone, real or virtual, with whom we can have the kind of sex that will satisfy our immense longing for connection. Our desire feels oversized, because beneath an addiction is a bottomless pit of neediness—no one is enough, and we can’t get enough. The bottomless pit makes too much not enough and full satisfaction impossible. Then we crave even more. We believe that more will be better or that just the right kind of touch or fantasy fulfillment will slake our frantic thirst. Connection with others seems to be just what we need, but ironically, we lack an essential constituent of intimacy: the capacity to be fulfilled in someone’s arms.

Addiction in this context can include sexualizing our needs so that we imagine sexual activity to be the equivalent of fulfillment of any or all of the five A’s (attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing). The ones missing in our childhood are the ones that dug a bottomless pit inside us and now deprive us of the capacity to be fulfilled in moderate, adult ways.

It’s easy to see that infatuation, fascination, addiction, and lust are exciting to our egos, because they are driven by adrenaline-rich reactions.

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