Hot Mess to Mindful Mom by Ali Katz

Author:Ali Katz
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2017-01-31T05:00:00+00:00

20

Feel Your Feelings

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

—GLORIA STEINEM

I spent most of my life suppressing anything that was hard to bear. My defense mechanism was pasting a giant smile on my face, and saying that I was “great!” Otherwise, life would have felt too hard, and I just wasn’t ready to deal. This strategy worked for a long time and it got me through periods of my life that may have been very bleak otherwise, like counting out waitressing tips during my college years to see if I would make rent. For that I am grateful, but it got to the point where denying my feelings instead of acknowledging and accepting them was going to hold me back from growing as a person. There is only so far you can go with your head buried in the sand.

The further I traveled on my spiritual journey of self-discovery, the less choice I had about what was actually happening inside of me. I asked for guidance and support, and gave up having to feel like I was in control. I decided to sit back and enjoy the ride. I didn’t have the chance to figure out if I was ready to finally face my feelings because they were steamrolling into my life no matter what. The Universe knew it was finally my time, even if I still had doubts.

I had meditations that didn’t end up being meditations at all, but more of me crying in a ball on the floor of my closet, if you can even call it that. Howling, gasping, exploding, and touching places deep in my core that had never seen the light of day. I finally released any sort of control I had over my emotions and simply let them flood my being until I was all cried out. When there were no more tears, I would sit back up and breathe. When I guide meditations now, I often encourage people to allow their long deep breaths to be cleansing, nourishing breaths. I know how good it feels from experience. My breath soothed me and washed away all the sorrow, shame, and anger that I felt.

The only feelings that I had allowed myself to feel strongly up to this point in my life were the good ones. I had an immense and fierce love for my husband and kids. I actually saw a wonderful psychologist a few times after my first son was born because I needed help processing such an intense love. I had never felt emotion so strongly and it scared me a little bit.

Meditation was the only time that I had ever been still with myself. I had never heard silence before. Any downtime I ever had was spent on the phone, or reading, or listening to music. I had never been with my own thoughts, or witnessed what I was capable of feeling. Once these waves of emotion began washing over me I was cracked open in an entirely new way, and I never even thought of turning back.

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