First Glance at Adrienne von Speyr by Hans Urs von Balthasar

Author:Hans Urs von Balthasar [Balthasar, Hans Urs von]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Spiritual & Religion
ISBN: 9780898700039
Publisher: Ignatius Press
Published: 2012-08-20T16:00:00+00:00

8. DEVELOPMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP

BETWEEN LOVE OF GOD AND LOVE OF NEIGHBOR

IN ADRIENNE’S YOUTH

1. There was a time in my life—approximately between my sixth and eighth year—when I drew a distinct dividing line between children and adults. There were no thirteen to eighteen year olds in my environment at that time. And grown-ups impressed me as mysterious beings who live according to entirely different laws, have different reactions, and, on the whole, live much more pleasantly than children. This kind of life intrigued me greatly for I almost had the feeling that they were as if in a bowl, and the contents of this bowl was life. And they take just what they want from this bowl; they take their happiness and their sadness, their work, their relaxation and joy. But even if they can choose what they want from it quite arbitrarily, they can, nevertheless, choose nothing other than what God has put into their bowl. Someone may very well be able to choose to be happy or sad; but not this kind of sadness or that kind of joy. It was through my own experience that I hit upon this thought: when I had fallen once and hurt my knee, I could indeed choose to scream or not to scream, but I could not choose to scream because of a different pain than the one in my knee. Only I thought that adults somehow have a greater range, a greater selection than children. And I thought they would see much more of God’s mystery than children.

One time a deranged woman—she was from a good family—came to see my father. She had been brought into the parlor. For some reason I went in. The woman was talking with her voices without feeling disturbed by me. I thought that perhaps she was talking to God. I was convinced, however, that even as children we are living in God, only we are not able to discern it. The grownups tell you, “Go to bed now.” I have to obey because I am too little to follow God directly. And it is somehow clear to me that the grown-ups who are giving me the order have settled this matter in their own way with God, that the command proceeds not only from their authority, but comes directly from God.

Thus, even at that time, I was unable to distinguish between love of neighbor and love of God. I love the children in God; that means that they enlarge my love of God because they magnify the mystery, the feeling that we are a bunch of stupid little children who are too simple to be able to recognize God’s commands. But then I am touched that we are still protected and loved by God despite our simple-mindedness. I feel a kind of community of simple-mindedness, of childlikeness, which heightens my love toward God. All of us are standing together before him, and you understand as little as I do.

And we talk about God in Sunday School or on a walk; but perhaps I am the only one who is telling something about God.

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