Daughters of Divorce by Terry Gaspard

Author:Terry Gaspard
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2015-03-16T04:00:00+00:00

6

Step Four:

Building Self-Esteem

LET GO OF YOUR CHILDHOOD HANG-UPS

“Inexperience can so often be your undoing. I accepted bad behavior too often in my past relationships, and stayed too long. Now, when I see a red flag, I confront it.”

—Theresa, age 25

For daughters of divorce, childhood experiences run the gamut. Perhaps you grew up in a chaotic household, marred with substance abuse or other addictive behavior. Perhaps domestic abuse or infidelity tainted your childhood. Maybe a new stepfamily forever changed your quality of life and the way you see the world. Or perhaps you experienced an inner conflict living between two worlds if your parents had joint custody. No matter your experience, you undoubtedly endured some degree of disruption, even if your parents coparented as well as they could. Regardless of your circumstances, one truth remains: the way you feel about the woman you are today is a direct result of how you felt about yourself as a child.

Your relationships and the responses you receive from others have helped create your self-esteem. This started very early on within your family as your parents’ divorce experience forever altered your sense of self-worth. As an adult, when you attempt to create romantic relationships of your own, you acquire a different sense of self. In The Psychology of Romantic Love, the late Nathaniel Branden, PhD, indicates that you experience who you are in the context of your relationships. He writes, “When we encounter a new human being, our personality contains, among other things, the consequences of many past encounters, many experiences, the internalization of many responses and instances of feedback from others.” Negative experiences in relationships can change who you are as an individual, including what you expect from the world and what you expect from your romantic partners.

Sarah is a tall, attractive, athletic college basketball player. Her parents divorced when she was sixteen, and she describes her father as a verbally abusive alcoholic. As a result, competent-at-a-cost Sarah says she has learned not to rely on men. “I feel uncomfortable with men,” she says. “My relationship with my dad caused me to seek approval in the wrong way. I don’t know how to keep a guy without sleeping with him. I’ve had depression and anxiety and a sense of not being worthy of love. My friends have more self-confidence and better relationships than I’ve had.” Her lack of self-esteem isn’t unique or uncommon for a young woman with her past. Sarah’s story rings true for so many daughters of divorce. She hasn’t yet achieved Step 4, getting to the root of the belief that she’s not good enough.

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