Conquering Darkness Memoir of the Serial Killer's Wife by Choyce-Lige Crystal Reshawn & Swafford Alice M

Author:Choyce-Lige, Crystal Reshawn & Swafford, Alice M [Swafford, Alice M]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Booksurge
Published: 2011-11-07T00:00:00+00:00

25

Darkness Everywhere

WE HADN’T BEEN IN OUR NEW HOME ON LINDEN STREET a year when I realized that whatever darkness had pursued me before we moved, was still in the midst of our lives. And the confusion I felt so many times before had multiplied exponentially. Soon my behavior began to be affected. I couldn’t sleep, and I felt hopeless as I struggled to save my family.

And no matter what I did, I couldn’t understand why my husband was getting so angry with our daughter. Was this displaced emotion that belonged with his mother? I tried to put my finger on a reason. If Crystal made a mistake during piano practice, it was enough to make William go ballistic. When I told him to back off, he looked at me like he could ring my neck. Looking back, I think my husband was reliving his own painful childhood. He needed to do to our daughter the very thing that had been done to him. But why?

William had made promises to me and Crystal that he couldn’t keep. I had made a decision I would regret. I should never have gone back to him.

HE STOPPED BATHING, YET AGAIN.

He started drinking too, even though he would throw up violently when he drank too much.

Everything Started Falling Apart.

Soon, I realized that William’s strange behavior had repeated itself throughout our life together. Yes. One day, OKAY/ the next day WEIRD; the normal days were scattered somewhere in between. As the normal days diminished, he became more and more unpredictable. And if I had to chronicle William’s decent into darkness or into madness, I would say it advanced when he stood up to his mother. Clearly, to get to the point of losing his ability to contain the ill and angry feelings he harbored against his mother for such a long time, something inside his head had to break. When he stopped caring about his hygiene and physical appearance, I knew something was drastically wrong. This was perhaps the first sign that William was trying to reckon with his “other self”, or the injured part of his mind that was all dirtied up. How could I have known?

When William became obsessed with renting and watching pornographic movies on video, I also knew this was a bad sign. Of what? I did not know. But I tried not to tend to that observation too much because I wasn’t sleeping with him. I wasn’t having sexual relations with him. I made myself believe that the videos were just a substitute for his sexual needs that weren’t being met. I was wrong.

At one point, I really did entertain that my husband was losing his mind, but I had to let that thought go. I didn’t want it in my head; it was too complicated.

I was in denial.

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