Civilized to Death by Christopher Ryan

Author:Christopher Ryan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster
Published: 2019-09-30T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 8Turbulent Teens

Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted…

—The Doors, “People Are Strange”

I was an angry teen. Like many in the civilized world, I felt something pulling me toward a long slog of regimentation, meaningless work, and ever-increasing isolation. I suspect that the anger of many teens is fueled by the same kind of dismay at the dawning realities of adulthood.

Another reason I was angry, to be honest, is that my burgeoning sexual awareness had become a source of frustration, shame, and confusion. As the hormonal surge swept through me, the possibility of exploring this new world with a girl or woman became increasingly urgent and unlikely. There was something deeply unjust about needing something so badly (sex? love? intimacy? touch?) while the practical conditions of life made the chances of finding it just about zero. We laugh at the sexual frustrations of testosterone-addled, pimply-faced, braces-wearing geeks in movies—because, well, they’re in a laughable situation. But their suffering is real, and the intense frustration and humiliation experienced by young people who feel they’re being denied something they need at the core of their being generates a dangerous pressure. In young men, this pressure all too often explodes outward in misogyny, rage, and violence, while in young women it tends to implode, manifesting as depression, self-harm, and eating disorders.

Griffin Hansbury, a female-to-male transsexual, offered some rare insight into these frustrations when he spoke with Alex Blumberg on This American Life. Hansbury explained how it felt to suddenly be swept up in a rising tide of testosterone:

The most overwhelming feeling is the incredible increase in libido and change in the way that I perceived women and the way I thought about sex. Before testosterone… I would see a woman on the subway, and I would think, she’s attractive. I’d like to meet her. What’s that book she’s reading? I could talk to her. This is what I would say. There would be a narrative. There would be this stream of language. It would be very verbal. [But] after testosterone, there was no narrative. There was no language whatsoever. It was just… aggressive, pornographic images, just one after another. It was like being in a pornographic movie house in my mind. And I couldn’t turn it off. I could not turn it off.

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