Both of Us by Ryan O'Neal

Author:Ryan O'Neal [O’Neal, Ryan]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 978-0-307-95484-8
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2012-05-01T04:00:00+00:00

What she needed was for me to be patient with her, reassure her that Redmond wasn’t choosing me over her, that it was normal and healthy for a boy that age to want to spend more time with his dad. But I’m a man and don’t think in those terms. I assumed she’d welcome the peace and quiet. I know she wasn’t jealous. She must have felt spurned. I still remember the expression on her face when she’d come to collect Redmond, who was sleeping on my lap, for bed, and he’d plead to be left where he was. Most every night I’d have to carry him upstairs and tuck him in. I probably should have read the copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus that Farrah gave me for my birthday. And both of us should have worked at achieving a balance in our parenting styles instead of bringing the same competition we enjoyed on the racquetball court into our raising of Redmond. It wasn’t anything we did consciously, but Redmond sensed it. When I wrote the above journal entry, all I thought I knew was that Farrah was too strict with our son and that she needed to relax with him the same way she needed to loosen up at work. While I may have had a valid point, I’m realizing now that there was more to Farrah’s concern about discipline than her conservative Catholic roots or all the parenting classes she took.

She was scared to death.

We’d have arguments about how to set boundaries for Redmond: bedtime; food; respecting adults; and most vital, why rules must be obeyed. I’d defend myself by saying that I’d raised three children, that I was the experienced parent, not her. And that’s exactly what worried her. Griffin must have been a specter haunting her peace of mind, and if she was too tough on Redmond sometimes, if her voice did go shrill when she saw him doing something he shouldn’t, it was because she wanted to protect her son from a fate like his brother’s. The problem was that the stricter she was with Redmond, the less influence she had over him. A therapist could have figured this out, but Farrah and I never consulted one. My only experience with a counselor had been with Tatum when she was a teen. It was such a disaster that it soured me on the entire profession. And Farrah was a private person, reluctant to reveal herself to any stranger.

Our clashes over Redmond escalate and our fighting takes a revelatory turn. It’s not so much that’s it’s getting more severe as it is stripping us psychologically naked, removing all pretense from our relationship. We’re discovering that those same two people who once brought out the best in each other also have a frightening capacity for bringing out the worst. I remember one afternoon when we’re in the car. I said something to set her off and she starts yelling at me, which I detest, so I simply ignore her.

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