Blaze of Light by Marcus Brotherton

Author:Marcus Brotherton [Brotherton, Marcus]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2020-03-24T00:00:00+00:00

11

Seeking

Though it felt good to be home in the United States, a significant part of Gary still felt left in Vietnam, and it would remain there forever. His heart longed to be there, viscerally, in time and space.

At Valley Forge General Hospital, he began his struggle to make sense of it all—a struggle that would last for years. Ward 9B was strictly for spinal cord injuries and orthopedics, and among the paraplegics, quadriplegics, and amputees, Gary felt troubled in spirit, not because he might never walk again but because he would be able to walk again. He still had all his limbs while so many others did not.

Why am I not paralyzed?

Why am I even still alive?

Many guys on the ward spent their days outside in wheelchairs, huddled in groups underneath the trees, drinking and smoking dope. Gary sensed a bonding experience taking place, a camaraderie, but it felt different from what he’d experienced in Vietnam. Here, as a Green Beret, he felt distanced from the other troops. He chose not to connect with them or use drugs and alcohol.

It wasn’t a status thing or a moral thing. He just didn’t want substances to change the way he was feeling. He wanted to try to capture his feelings, understand them—and deal with them. He wanted to remember the love and good times he’d shared with the Montagnards.

One day a young amputee missing one leg asked Gary what he’d done in Vietnam. Gary said he was Special Forces.

“I thought so,” the young man said and laughed. “I knew you were either an officer or a Beret.”

Gary didn’t know how it showed and didn’t know how to respond.

He began to feel tingling in his legs, and doctors said it was a good sign. Gradually more and more feeling returned. Eventually, the paralysis ended, although parts of his lower legs and back stayed numb.

The day came when therapists urged Gary to stand. It took everything he had, but he made it up onto his feet. His head felt woozy; he took a look around the ward, then sat down. That was enough for the first day.

Each day afterward, he practiced standing. Everything hurt. Then came the process of learning to walk again. Therapists got him standing again and pushed a walker in front of him. Gary was hesitant. He found he needed to consciously speak to each limb. “Okay, right leg. Move.” The leg moved, and he planted his foot on the ground. “Okay, left leg. Move.” His left leg moved, and he planted it. He moved the walker forward. He repeated the commands, step by step by step. Gary felt exhausted and wanted to sit down, but he didn’t want to stay in the chair forever, so he willed himself to continue.

Days passed, and each day he practiced walking. Sometimes when he moved a certain way, sharp pain shot down his back and legs because so much shrapnel was still inside his body. Sometimes a leg gave out entirely and he fell.

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