Zombie Bums from Uranus by Andy Griffiths

Author:Andy Griffiths
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781741972061
Publisher: Pan Macmillan Australia

Zack could hear the ladder creaking as Eleanor and the other bum-fighters began their descent.

He felt terrible betraying them like this.

Suddenly there was a loud crash and the bum-fighters landed in a sprawling heap right next to him.

‘Get off me, you idiot!’ said Eleanor.

‘Why don’t you get off me, you idiot!’ said the Flicker.

‘Don’t call me an idiot!’ said Eleanor.

‘I’m not talking to you, you idiot!’ said the Flicker. ‘I’m talking to the Forker.’

‘I’m not an idiot!’ said the Forker.

‘Yes, you are,’ said the Flicker. ‘You’re sitting on my towel, you idiot.’

‘Language!’ said the Pincher.

‘Pincher!’ said the Forker. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m okay,’ said the Pincher. ‘But I’d be a lot better if you’d all get off me!’

Eleanor was the first to extract herself.

‘Zack!’ she said. ‘We came as soon as we could! The Forker saw you and your bum being bumnapped. He woke us all and we followed you in the bum-mobile. Any idea where the bumnappers are?’

Zack nodded.

‘Where?’ said Eleanor.

‘Right here,’ said the Prince, stepping forward.

‘At your service!’ said Maurice.

Eleanor swung around. ‘You parasites!’ she hissed. ‘I thought you were dead!’

‘When the wedge-tailed bum-eater dropped me into its nest I thought I was too!’ said the Prince. ‘I had ten baby wedge-tailed bum-eaters with razor-sharp beaks snapping around my cheeks . . . but they didn’t realise who they were dealing with. And Maurice, well, I’m not saying he’s fat, but he’s got enough blubber on him to protect him from a little fall . . . or a big one for that matter.’

‘Are you saying I’m fat?’ said Maurice.

‘Yes,’ said the Prince.

‘Thank you,’ said Maurice. ‘It’s very kind of you to say so. Very, very kind.’

‘Where in the univarse are we?’ said the Forker. ‘This place stinks!’

‘Manners!’ said Gran.

‘It’s quite all right,’ said the Prince. ‘No offence taken. Our home may be humble but you are all very welcome, aren’t they, Maurice?’

‘Very welcome, Prince,’ said Maurice. ‘Very, very welcome.’

‘Who are these bums, anyway?’ said the Flicker. ‘Are they zombies?’

The Prince looked pained. He spat. He looked impatiently at Maurice.

Maurice took his cue. He spat too.

‘Zombie bums?!’ exclaimed the Prince. ‘Now I DO take offence! The lowest of the low!’

‘The lowest of the lowest of the low!’ intoned Maurice.

‘No, they’re not zombie bums,’ said Eleanor, levelling a 4502 Laxative Launcher at them, ‘just a couple of bums who are about to die.’

‘Leave it to me,’ said the Flicker, twirling his towel. ‘I’ll have them flicked in no time.’

‘No!’ said the Forker, fingering the array of forks strapped across his chest. ‘Let me. I can fork faster than you can flick.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said the Flicker. ‘I can flick faster than you can fork!’

‘Language!’ said Gran.

‘Your friends aren’t very friendly,’ said the Prince.

‘No,’ said Eleanor, ‘and neither am I. Let go of Zack’s bum and stand back against the wall.’

To Eleanor’s—and Zack’s—great surprise, the Prince and Maurice did exactly that.

‘Thank you,’ said Eleanor, sweetly. ‘Now, do you have any last words before I blow you both apart?’

‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you,’ said the Prince coolly.

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