Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens

Author:Barbara Steffens
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New Horizon Press
Published: 2010-08-18T16:00:00+00:00

Identify Your Triggers and Consider Boundaries to Block Them

Now it’s your turn. Begin by making a list of the things that trigger your fears, pain and insecurities. Give it thought and do your best, knowing it will never be complete. Next, honestly ask yourself, “What do I need to feel safe in regard to each trigger?” We reveal several things that partners often find triggering, along with sample boundaries they have shared with us.• Computer: “Knowing that certain boundaries are in place (i.e. computer lock or some other filter) gives me peace that these things aren’t entering my home when I’m not there.”

• Movies: “We don’t go to movies anymore; we rent movies. Rather, my husband does. I don’t go in video stores either, for the same reasons. My husband takes responsibility for staying sexually sober and looks away when he encounters sexual stimulation, but not going to movies is about me,” one mental health professional shared with us. “Those scenes trigger my pain. Avoiding triggers that cause me to spiral downward is one way I take responsibility for my own needs. I take responsibility by creating the boundaries I need and then act on them. This practice is empowering and it allows for my healing, for his healing and for our healing and stability as a couple. It’s worth it.”

• His or Her Work-Related Travel: This can present one of the biggest challenges couples face, because frequently these business trips had been filled with a variety of instances of acting out sexually. Each couple needs to think through and determine what boundaries must be put in place to protect their marriage and the sexual addict’s sobriety. More than any other area, this one may require help from your counselor or clergy.

• Video Stores: “I don’t go there; that’s just the way it is,” one partner said. “It’s been eleven years, but the stab of betrayal still hurts when it’s triggered. I think it will always be there. Because of the betrayal, I see things I didn’t see before. Things that were never triggers prior to discovering the addiction suddenly became triggering to me, and that has to be okay, because that’s the way it is.” When one young couple faced the wife’s triggers around television, movies and videos, her husband, who is now in recovery, told his wife, “I don’t have eyes for that anymore.” Yet in speaking with her, it was clear that she still does. That’s simply a consequence and at least a temporary loss that resulted from his sexual choices. It’s not about him anymore; she knows she needs this boundary in order to heal.

A client shared that their family now uses a special DVD player called ClearPlay for home viewing of movies. ClearPlay enables you to watch movies, but it removes sexual content, making the triggering problem much easier to deal with.

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