Why, Father? by Toni Maguire

Author:Toni Maguire
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: John Blake

37

Was it that day I wrote the letter to my mother on paper that was spotted with my tears? I suspect it was. It’s written on a few crumpled sheets of paper that I have never let go of. Over the years, I take it from the soft cloth bag where it’s kept with a few photos. Since I wrote it, I have managed to add a few paragraphs and even corrected the odd childish grammar and spelling mistakes. The change in handwriting indicates not every word was written by an eight-year-old but all the words show the depth of my feelings on that day.

They told me today, Ma, that you are no longer here.

That you left us that night when I was taken to hospital.

I cried and cried but I am writing this now because I feel that whatever they said, you’re still with me. I felt you in the ambulance, didn’t I? And it was you who was holding my hand and walked beside me when I was wheeled into the operating theatre.

So that’s why I know that wherever you are now, you have still not left me.

But, Ma, that will not stop me missing you every single day of my life.

I will no longer feel those gentle cuddles you gave me when I most needed them.

Or those kisses on the top of my head and your arms giving me hugs that helped me fall asleep.

But I know that I will still feel your love, for it will never leave me, will it?

Now my memory is still a little bit jumbled, Ma. There are pictures that float in my head when I’m asleep. There is one from the night when I was taken to hospital. For some reason I was lying on the couch in that room I never liked and I was feeling colder than I would ever have thought possible.

There was a light which must have come from the hall when you opened the door and I saw you walk in.

I can’t remember how I got upstairs, I think you must have carried me. I remember feeling you gently washing my body all over and heard you singing, or was it crying? I think you might have done both. I know that when you dried me before you covered me, you lay down beside me and cuddled me like there was no tomorrow before you placed me on my bed and lay down beside me. But then I didn’t know that there would be no tomorrow for us ever again, did I?

You cradled me that night as though I was a baby, not a little girl of nearly eight. And while we lay there, you softly sang those soothing songs I always loved.

Now when I climb into bed and close my eyes, it is your face with its gentle expression that I can see, which makes me know how much I was loved by you.

I can almost feel your hand that was roughened a little by all the chores you did running its fingers down the side of my face.

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