When Pleasing You Is Killing Me by Les Carter PhD

Author:Les Carter PhD
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2018-06-19T17:50:29+00:00

Pride-Buster Choice #1:

The Acknowledgement of Personal Limits

When people allow pride to gain a foothold in their lives, one consequence is that they do not like to acknowledge personal limits. Presuming that they can or should be above common human frailties, they push forward in the attempt to be all things to all people. For instance, pride can cause people not to admit obvious character defects or to act as if they have no insecurities when, in fact, they really do. Being consumed with promoting self’s agenda, prideful people find it difficult to say, “I’m limited. I’m not able to be ideal.”

Humility, on the other hand, prompts people to admit the obvious: that they are human, and that they have limits. In humility, people can expose their weaknesses or hurts or frailties, not because they are shaming themselves, but because they do not want to erect any false pretense about who they are.

For instance, when a person is asked to take on a very desirable task, that person might say, “While that sounds like something I’d like to do, I know that’s not my strong suit, so it would be wise to pass it on to someone more capable.” Humble people don’t mind admitting they cannot be all things to all people.

On the surface, people pleasers appear humble and self-effacing as they put limits on themselves. A people-pleasing mother, for instance, may limit her time with friends as she caters to her children, or a worker may limit his time away from the job in order to go the extra mile for a supervisor. Sometimes, however, what you see on the surface may not be a true reflection of the thinking that lies beneath the surface.

It is very common for people pleasers to ignore the reality of their limits as they give the appearance they can handle more than they really can. For instance, Anita pushed herself to behave as if she could tolerate her father’s and her husband’s angry treatment toward her. Over the years, as they acted abrasively, she projected the message, “Don’t worry, I can deal with all the crud you throw at me. I’ll figure out a way to keep the peace.” In fact, though, she was not keeping peace, but was fueling inner tension and turmoil.

“Anita, as you learn to act less compliantly, I want you to realize that you are also admitting the limits of your emotional tolerance. When you let others belittle you with criticisms, you are so caught up at the moment in your own self-preservation that you’re not letting yourself be human. You’re trying too hard to imply you can handle it all.”

“So what do you suggest that I do differently?”

“Instead of just acquiescing the next time your dad gives you unwanted advice about your kids, you might tell him, ‘Dad, there’s no doubt that you see things I could do differently, but instead of trying to kid you into thinking that I’ll always cover my bases with the kids, I need to admit that I have my weak moments.

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