When It's Never About You by Ilene S. Cohen Ph.D

Author:Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harte & Co Publishing

Letting Go When Someone Hurts You

It’s especially hard to let go when someone has—or continues to—hurt you. However, it’s important to keep in mind what I said earlier: When someone does something to hurt you, it’s more about them than it is about you. And the truth is, even though it sucks, it’s okay to hurt sometimes and reflect on that hurt instead of rushing to do something about it. If you continue to act for yourself, learning to distinguish between your emotional reactivity of the situation and your thoughtful response to it, you won’t be as sensitive to criticism. It’s harder to live in fear of people’s reactions than to actually live your life, despite that fear, and try to sort out your feelings to others’ reactions afterward. I had a client whose mother treated her siblings completely differently than she treated her. When I asked her why she thought that was, she said, “My mother knows that if she ever said to my siblings the things she said to me, they would never speak to her again.” Her mother would take all of her frustration and anger out on her, knowing that her people-pleasing nature would compel her to just take it. Of course, that didn’t make it right for her mother to treat her that way, but it certainly contributed to the dynamics of their relationship. Now, in adulthood, my client recognizes that she only has control over how she chooses to respond to her mother and how she allows herself to be treated. Her people-pleasing didn’t ward off her mom’s criticisms; it only intensified it. My client would never be treated with respect if she continued to answer to her mother’s demands without telling her how she was affected by them. One day, my client finally told her mother, “Enough already!” Over time, after many conversations, her mother learned a more appropriate way to treat her.

What you tell yourself about a situation will ultimately determine whether you forgive and move on or stay angry. If you honestly don’t believe that people do things to be evil and think they’re mostly just unaware of how their actions impact others, it will significantly influence how you respond to them. People will never know what you’re thinking if you never tell them. If you look beyond blame and see each person as part of a system of mutually influencing relationships, you’ll have a better time understanding the role you play in the hurt you’ve been feeling. People took things out on me because they thought I could handle it. It was natural for them to make that assumption, because I never spoke up or said anything. When you don’t say anything or set boundaries, you become a non-entity who gets used as a doormat. Just as you deserve respect, the people in your life deserve the respect of knowing that what they’re doing hurts you. Letting them know puts it out in the open. If they do it again, you must be consistent in setting the proper boundaries.

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