What Do We Need Men For?: A Modest Proposal by E. Jean Carroll

Author:E. Jean Carroll
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2019-07-01T23:00:00+00:00

10

MY BOSSES (SO FAR.…. .)

1. Age: 11–17. Job: Babysitting. Boss: Various Fort Wayne mothers and fathers.

2. Age: 12–75. Job: Filling the US mail with magazine pitches.* Boss: Various editors who reject me.

3. Age: 18–19. Job: Governessing. Boss: Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smyth of Chicago and Lake Geneva.

4. Age: 19–20. Job: Lifeguarding. Boss: Supervisor of Fort Wayne outdoor pools.

5. Age: 19–20. Job: Starting a chain letter. Boss: The US Postal Service.†

6. Age: 20. Job: Making amusing hats and selling them on campus. Boss and Creator: Myself.

7. Age: 21. Job: Founding a cheerleading camp. Boss and Creator: Myself. (If you can’t find a job, create a job.)

8. Age: 22–23. Job: Market researching for Procter & Gamble. Boss: VP of research.

9. Age: 23–24. Job: Creating publicity for Delswa, the largest fashion house in South Africa. Boss: Wonderful chap with a very handsome son. I can’t recall their names and leave my diary behind.*

10. Age: 25. Job: Account executing. Boss: We’re getting to him in a moment.

11. Age: 25. Job: Hostessing at Gino’s East. Boss: Sam Levine.

12. Age: 29. Job: Teaching English and gym at Idaho State Reform School—a place believed to be haunted and investigated on an episode of Ghost Adventures. Boss: Can’t remember his name. The poor man loses his mind when I drive the “juvenile delinquents” over the state line to visit a carnival in a school bus that has no brakes.

13. Age: 30. In the face of a spectacular blizzard of rejections from editors, producers, etc., I go on sending out article ideas, stories, plays, quizzes, screenplays, etc., etc., etc.

14. Age: 37. Job: Writer! Miss Marilyn Johnson (hi, Marilyn!), editor at Esquire, snatches off the slush pile—by chance—something I send in. She buys it, and I get my size 11 shoe in the door, and when the door at Esquire opens, I squeeze into Outside, Playboy, Rolling Stone, New York, Glamour, etc.

15. Age: 43. Job: Writing for Saturday Night Live. Boss: Lorne Michaels.

16. Age: 50. Job: Writing the Ask E. Jean column in Elle. Boss: Four editors in chief have reigned during my tenure: Amy Gross hired me, Elaina Richardson put up with me, Robbie Myers delighted me, and Nina Garcia inspires me.

17. Age: 51. Job: Hosting the Ask E. Jean TV show. Boss: Roger Ailes, soon to be making an appearance.

18. Age: 69. Job: Founding Tawkify Inc. Bosses and Creators: Myself and Kenneth Shaw.

19. Age: 75. Job: Writing this St. Martin’s book you are holding in your beautifully manicured grip, Ladies. Boss: It is edited by the sensational Elisabeth Dyssegaard.

Damn! Look at it! Is that Procter & Gamble at #8? Is that the most fabulous job a girl could ever have? Does P&G send me all over this marvelous country to talk to housewives about their toilet paper, shampoo, toothpaste, laundry detergent, room freshener, and, most memorably, a new sanitary napkin that is shaped like a headband and which I personally “place” with practically every demographically menstruating woman between the ages of eighteen and forty-four in Atlanta, Georgia? Procter & Gamble is the only “real” job I ever have.

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