Walking Through Walls by Philip Smith

Author:Philip Smith
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2008-09-27T04:00:00+00:00

eleven

Futurama

While buying a pack of cigarettes in Super X Drugs, I noticed a small pile of tickets left on the windowsill by the door for a free lecture offering “a release from all problems through the science of Dianetics.”

“Wow,” I thought, “I could certainly use a release from all problems through anything available, especially something legal.” Hopefully it didn’t involve jolts of electricity.

Whatever Dianetics was, it seemed to be what I was looking for to set me free. I put the ticket in my pocket and knew with absolute certainty that I was ready to convert to Scientology. Just the name, Scientology, sounded like the future to me. I imagined high priests guarded by men in black rubber space suits with ray guns. Somehow I sensed that the premise of Scientology was instant erasure of who you are, followed by an instant creation of who you would like to be. My father’s spirits seemed so ancient and creaky compared to the futuristic appeal of Scientology. Yep, this was it. I was going to become a Scientologist. Good-bye hocus-pocus, good-bye séances, and good-bye nosy spirits. Hello futurama.

When I got to the church, a run-down storefront operation conveniently located around the corner from my father’s design studio, I took one look around and had to quickly recalculate my expectations. There were no futuristic sentries guarding the holy laser beam that contained all universal truths. Instead there were a few pieces of abandoned office furniture, a rickety pine bookshelf loaded with paperback copies of Dianetics featuring an exploding volcano on the cover, and a massively overweight woman wearing an Indian block-print muumuu sitting behind a gray metal desk. To my surprise, style was not a huge consideration in this religion of the future. The woman automatically smiled at me with one of those big and insincere stewardess smiles that discourage any real interaction. It was just me and her smile one-on-one in the holy church. There were no masses of worshippers engaged in scientifically induced religious ecstasy. No one was storming the gates of Scientology looking for the next great thing—except me.

I wasn’t quite sure what to do as I stood there in my paisley print shirt, square-toed boots, and hip-hugger bell-bottoms made out of mattress ticking, so I picked up a pamphlet describing the philosophy of Scientology. I then walked over to the desk and handed the woman my ticket. “Um, hi. I’m here for the free lecture on Dianetics.”

“Great!!!!”

“This is kinda my first time here.”

“Great!!!!”

“Okay.”

“Great!!!!”

“Uh…”

“Hi, I’m Toni!!!! Who are you?”

“Philip.”

“Great!!!!! Well, Philip, we don’t have any clears in the Org today, and none of the auditors showed up, so…”

“Huh?” I was used to space talk and speaking in tongues, but this Scientologyspeak was something new. The truth was, I kind of liked it. It all sounded so “yes sir, right away, sir.” I would eventually learn this new vocabulary, in which “clears” were enlightened individuals and “auditors” disseminated Scientology. “Maybe you could come back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I guess tomorrow is okay.” But I was more than a little disappointed.

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