Understanding and Loving a Person with Sexual Addiction by Stephen Arterburn;Jason B. Martinkus;Shelley S. Martinkus

Author:Stephen Arterburn;Jason B. Martinkus;Shelley S. Martinkus
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Understanding and loving someone sexual addiction;Sexual addiction;Help with sexual addiction;understanding sexual addiction;Steve Arterburn;Loving someone with sexual addiction;helping someone with sexual addiction;Compassionate look at sexual addiction;Family with sexual addiction;Christian Approach to sexual addiction;Christian view of sexual addiction;Spouse with sexual addiction;Healing from sexual addiction;Forgiving sexual addiction
Publisher: David C. Cook
Published: 2018-03-04T15:15:31+00:00

Hopelessness

This stage stinks. I hate it. Yet it is a necessary part of the healing process. The worst part about it, I think, is that it feels like all the work up to this point has been wasted. It seems as if everything is back at square one. Usually, that is not actually the case; it just feels that way because of the deep sadness that is setting in.

I would say the hopelessness stage for betrayed wives seems to be best characterized by regret. During this stage, they begin to reprocess years of memories that they thought were water under the bridge—whether just a few or several decades. They replay history: the comments made at the proposal dinner, the early marriage conflicts, or the general state of things prior to everything hitting the fan. The regret surrounds the circumstances as well as their personal choices and character flaws. During this internal processing, they second-guess themselves all over again and feel duped, stupid, foolish, or ridiculous, and it can be harder than ever to get out of bed.

The largest looming question is “Why?” Why did this happen? Why didn’t God stop it? Why didn’t I see it sooner? Why did I put up with it so long? Why go through any more pain? That last question can, for some wives, even lead to suicidal thoughts. These thoughts usually don’t involve a plan of action, but they can include statements about escaping the pain inadvertently. I don’t typically hear “I want to kill myself” so much as “I wouldn’t mind if a semitruck swerved into my lane.” My heart breaks when I hear wives talking this way, partly because I know they are almost there, nearly done with this painful journey. They are just about to cross over onto steady ground and sure footing. If you’ve had or are having these thoughts, please tell someone. Tell your best friend or your mom, whoever is safest. It would be good for your husband to know too, but he may not be safe enough to handle it today. Someone needs to know.

My advice for this stage is for wives to give themselves permission to practice self-care and hang on a little longer. You’re almost there! Give yourself permission to ask for what you need. That may mean you need a pass on parenting and going to the kids’ ball games and cheer practices. You might need to take some days off work; be okay with calling in sick, even if that seems to go against your work ethic. Or perhaps you need to build a house cleaner into the budget because cleaning and dusting aren’t worth getting out of bed for today, but you’ll also feel chaotic if the house isn’t clean.

You may need to tweak the boundaries you previously set. Instead of him being in the basement, you may want him in the bed. Instead of not talking after nine o’clock at night, you may want to be able to talk anytime.

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