Ubu Plays, The by Alfred Jarry

Author:Alfred Jarry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Grove Press

SCENE FOUR

PA UBU, then later, his CONSCIENCE.

PA UBU. Have we any right to behave like this ? Hornstrumpot, by our green candle, let us consult our Conscience. There he is, in this suitcase, all covered with cobwebs. As you can see, we don’t overwork him. (He opens the suitcase. His CONSCIENCE emerges in the guise of a tall, thin fellow in a shirt.)

CONSCIENCE. Sir, and so on and so forth, be so good as to take a few notes.

PA UBU. Excuse me, Sir, we are not very partial to writing, though we have no doubt that anything you say would be most interesting. And while we’re on the subject, we should like to know how you have the insolence to appear before us in your shirt tails ?

CONSCIENCE, Sir, and so on and so forth, Conscience, like Truth, usually goes without a shirt. If I have put one on, it is as a mark of respect to the distinguished audience.

PA UBU. As for that, Mister or Mrs Conscience, you’re making a fuss about nothing. Answer this question instead: would it be a good thing to kill Mister Achras who has had the audacity to come and insult me in my own house?

CONSCIENCE. Sir, and so on and so forth, to return good with evil is unworthy of a civilised man. Mister Achras has lodged you; Mister Achras has received you with open arms and made you free of his collection of polyhedra; Mister Achras, and so forth, is a very fine fellow and perfectly harmless; it would be a most cowardly act, and so forth, to kill a poor old man who is incapable of defending himself.

PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! Mister Conscience, are you so sure that he can’t defend himself?

CONSCIENCE. Absolutely, Sir, so it would be a coward’s trick to do away with him.

PA UBU. Thank you, Sir, we shan’t require you further. Since there’s no risk attached, we shall assassinate Mister Achras, and we shall also make a point of consulting you more frequently for you know how to give us better advice than we had anticipated. Now, into the suitcase with you! (He closes it again.)

CONSCIENCE. In which case, Sir, I think we shall have to leave it at that, and so on and so forth, for today.

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