Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud

Author:Dr. Henry Cloud [CLOUD, HENRY]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Worthy
Published: 2023-03-28T00:00:00+00:00

The fact that people are connected does not mean that one person controls the other, leaving him or her with no choices.

Think of a marriage relationship. It should involve a huge amount of connection and interdependency, but neither person should feel controlled by the other. Each one should feel they still have the freedom to make their own choices, have their own space, pursue their own interests, and the like. The fact that people are connected does not mean that one person controls the other, leaving him or her with no choices. The fear of being controlled and losing freedom can be a huge barrier to trust.

Many people have found that they can have a relationship, or they can have freedom, but they can’t have both.

Sean was trapped by the fear of being controlled. His story took place in a business environment, but the inability to trust because one fears the loss of freedom leads to personal relationship failures as well, in many ways. I worked with a young man who had a pattern of falling in love with very good women. As the two of them grew closer, he ended up bailing out of the relationship. He earned the label of having a “commitment phobia.” People in his circles, people who loved him, advised women to stay away from him. They had seen his track record and knew his history of getting close to several wonderful women, only to break up for reasons that seemed lame.

It was clear that he had no fears of intimacy or being emotionally close. He did that—the “connecting” part—very well. He could be open and vulnerable. But as soon as the relationship reached the point where mutual decisions were needed, such as negotiating how time and energy would be spent, which always call for some amount of sacrifices and the normal giving up of freedoms a relationship requires, he was out the door. If she wanted to spend an afternoon together, and it might cut into his plans to play golf with his buddies or pursue some other individual interest, he would suddenly begin to shut down emotionally and want out of the relationship. He had no idea that negotiations and compromises were possible, that each person could enjoy freedoms while still being committed to the other. He didn’t realize people could have “we” time and also “me” time. For him, being connected to a woman in a meaningful relationship meant being tied down. And when he felt tied down, he suddenly would “fall out of love.”

One time, however, I had a chance to catch him before another breakup.

“So, why do you think you want out of this relationship?” I asked. “Last time I talked to you, you felt like she was the one.”

“I thought so,” he lamented. “I really did. She is so awesome. But then she started to get controlling.”

“Controlling?” I questioned.

“Yes. Like I wanted to go on a weekend trip with my buddies to go fishing, and she said she was sad because she wanted us to do something this weekend,” he said.

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