Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About by Mil Millington

Author:Mil Millington
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781780221960
Publisher: Phoenix

DRESSED TO BE KILLED

I like to think that, in Deliverance, I would be the Burt Reynolds character. While everyone else gives in to fear or panic or confusion, I would remain calm and clear thinking and do what needs to be done. I know this assessment of my make-up is pretty much on the mark. I have, after all, watched no end of Party of Normal People in Peril movies and every time I’ve identified with the ‘Damn it – pull yourself together. Do as I say and we’ll all get through this’ hero. Surely, if I were built otherwise, I’d be more emotionally drawn to the advertising executive who tries to save himself by selling out everyone else and ends up being eaten by sharks in a plummeting lift. Were he to find himself in the same situation with the Triads, then, I have no doubt that Pel played by a younger, leaner Harrison Ford would have spent the morning sitting wordlessly in front of his computer making little horses out of Blu-Tack.

Fortunately, up until now I had been left to do this in peace. Pauline was in the office but was clearly scouring the Internet for cheap flights to Málaga. She wasn’t having much success, mostly getting sites themed around ‘Spanish fly’ (causing her, with great, disapproving sighs, to note things down on a small pad), but obviously didn’t want to ask me for help as it would alert David, who couldn’t, from his seat, see her screen. David himself had started off the day going through some HEFCE (Higher Education Funding Council for England) reports, but, for a change of pace, had then moved on to going through JISC (Joint Information Systems Committee) reports.

This office calm was fractured, however, when the door whipped open and in swirled Jane, the political sciences librarian. Jane was gaunt, about two-hundred-and-forty years old and owned one, or several absolutely identical, paisley print dresses. She had the kind of enviable, endless vitality that often goes hand in hand with being old and mad. Ignoring Pauline and me, she went straight over to David.

‘Have you got a moment, David?’ Her voice was furiously measured.

‘Yes, I suppose so.’ He put down his papers and swivelled to look at her.

Pauline and I slipped into ‘transparently pretending not to listen with delight’ mode.

‘Well, David, I feel I must talk to you about …’

At this point Brian, the subject librarian for economics, sailed through the still-open door. Brian had a head of rich, auburn hair. It was quite clearly someone else’s hair, but everyone played along with the charade. A rotund, waist-coated, almost Dickensian figure, Brian walked determinedly through the dying embers of his forties. Despite his spherical mould, he was birdlike in his movements; shooting out limbs in unexpected directions and taking rapid half-steps backwards and forwards being the closest he could manage to standing still. The unnerving exception was his head. On a couple of occasions I’d seen him become overexcited, flick his head round

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