The Recovering Heart by Beverly Conyers

Author:Beverly Conyers
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-61649-497-1
Publisher: Hazelden Publishing
Published: 2013-03-10T16:00:00+00:00

THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

“Before I did any therapy or work on myself, my perspective of love was you beat the shit out of me, and then you buy me whatever I want afterward. That’s what my father did,” says Grace. “Or if I’m mad at you, I don’t talk to you for a week. That’s what my mother did. Or if I don’t like somebody and you’re talking to them, then I don’t like you anymore—all that unhealthy stuff.”

For much of her adult life, Grace was one of the many women who associate intimate relationships with pain. “My youngest son’s father was extremely volatile,” she recalls. “It was really ugly, especially when he found out I got pregnant. He punched me in the head. I had a black eye for a month. It just wouldn’t go away. Even now, when I’m run down or not taking care of myself, when I look in the mirror I can still see it.”

Grace is not usually shy about defending herself. She explains, “In a bar, if a guy looked at me in a way I didn’t like, I’d say, ‘What are you looking at? I’m not a piece of meat.’ I mean, I’d start a fight.”

But she never fought back with her boyfriend. “I was afraid he would kill me,” she says bluntly. “He threatened to kill me and my children. I knew he meant it. So I left them with a friend to keep them safe. Family Services took them. I fought for three years to get them back, but I made the mistake of saying that being in an abusive relationship can be kind of addictive. So they wrote, ‘She’s addicted to abusive relationships.’”

That, along with her chronic abuse of alcohol and other drugs, resulted in the permanent loss of custody of her older children. She stayed with her youngest son’s father for two years, even though, she says, “I wasn’t in love with him. I was addicted to him. He validated me. He validated my belief that I was a piece of shit. I was a scumbag mother.”

In their last episode, Grace recalls, “He had me in a headlock and hit me in the head with a brick. I bit him in the chest.” She had finally had enough. Still recovering from her injuries, Grace moved with her son to a battered women’s shelter and began the long climb toward sobriety and a healthier sense of self.

Many women—including those without addictions—find themselves in relationships like Grace’s. One day, we meet someone who captures our imagination. Perhaps he is charming, affectionate, strong, and good-looking (or controlling, moody, distant, or needy). She may be clever, bright, thoughtful, and fascinating (or challenging, elusive, difficult, or demanding).

Whatever the attraction, there’s that special spark we call chemistry, and before we know it we’re caught up in an intimate relationship. At first, we’re filled with hopes and dreams for a wonderful life together. But sometimes, our early euphoric fantasies are replaced by a growing sense of disappointment, confusion, anxiety, and dread.

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