The Man They Wanted Me to Be by Sexton Jared;

Author:Sexton, Jared;
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781640091825
Publisher: Lightning Source Inc. (Tier 3)
Published: 2019-02-13T00:00:00+00:00

My father remained a distant figure throughout my childhood. I’d see him occasionally around town, visit his house every now and then, but whenever we were together he seemed uneasy. At his home he was always in another room or outside, and the few words that passed between us were strained and uncomfortable. He was obviously ashamed of me, so much so that sometimes when I happened to meet his friends they were shocked to find out he had a son at all.

I had every reason to want nothing to do with him. I knew all the stories about him and my mom, how badly he had treated her, and his absence and lack of interest in me never ceased to be an insult; but like many kids of divorce, the pain of being abandoned lingered and hurt me in ways I couldn’t begin to understand. I couldn’t help but wonder what was so wrong with me that my own father didn’t want to have a relationship. There must have been something defective, something that wasn’t quite right that kept him away. I tried to prove myself time and again, whether it was in the classroom or playing sports, but nothing seemed to make a difference. I kept coming back to his disappointment that I wasn’t tough. Soon it was clear that my status as an interloper in the masculine world was most certainly playing a large part in our strained relations.

But then, when I was seventeen, we had what could only be considered a breakthrough.

I was standing in a rental store in Linton, trying not to puke, when my dad surprised me. Normally I would’ve noticed him come in the door, but I was the most hungover I’d ever been. The night before I’d partied with a group of people I barely knew, getting hammered to the point of oblivion. To my surprise we ended up in an abandoned house where we sat on the floor and lay waste to several cases of Bud Light and a few bottles of Goldschläger. I didn’t want to admit it, but I’d been frightened that we’d get caught breaking and entering. Not frightened enough to walk away, though. I knew this was what I was supposed to do. Men were supposed to go out drinking. They were supposed to get shit-faced and take risks.

“Long night?” my dad asked, scaring me out of a stupor.

Normally Dad avoided me. I’d seen him do it multiple times. At Walmart or at a game, he’d make himself scarce to avoid having to talk. But that afternoon he seemed eager.

“I guess,” I answered, still unsure what was happening.

“Yeah?” he said. “You drink a little too much?”

My first thought was that I was in trouble. The idea was ludicrous, though. My dad had nothing to do with me, much less any sway over whether I got punished for anything. “Maybe,” I said.

“Huh.” He worked his tongue in his cheek and smiled. “Where’d you hang out last night? Some house out in the country?”

I went cold.

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