The Incompetent Witch and the Missing Men by D C Thome

Author:D C Thome [Thome, D C]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kindle Worlds
Published: 2017-06-18T16:00:00+00:00

***

My nemesis soared above us on her broom. How can that be? It’s a no-fly zone! Her purple robe flapping, she laughed maniacally. The cavern’s acoustics amplified the sound to painful levels. And why am I suddenly surrounded by screechers? Even Ashley covered her ears as we all looked up.

“Listen to Prubimbo,” Brigid yelled. “It may be the only time in her life that she’s right!”

No, I was also right when I decided you were a bitch times one thousand. I opened my mouth to shout back, but a movement caught my eye: Dot, pointing her crooked fingers at the ceiling, her scowl honed in on Brigid.

A pang of fear shot through me. Not because I was worried Dot might bring the cave’s ceiling crashing down. Because I suddenly felt concern for Brigid. As though I liked her. That is fucked up.

Yet I couldn’t help myself. I jumped into Dot’s line of fire and yelled, “Wait!”

“Wait? What fer? And how’s come?”

My heart twinged. Compassion? Fuck that. But, no, it was worse than compassion. Warm feelings. Friendly feelings. Double fuck that! “Um…we need her to tell us what’s going on!”

“I ain’t gonna kill her—probably—just get her to shut the frap up.” Dot stepped around me and let loose red-hot sparkle rays. Brigid dodged the blast, and a chunk of rock hit the floor.

Brigid glared at the scar on her purple ceiling, then at Dot. “You old whore! Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to work with elf painters? It took four months to get this done!”

Dot raised her arm again. “Speaking of pain, expect one in your ass!” She shot a bolt of flaming energy that grazed Brigid’s skinny little boopadoopa and burned a hole in the robe.

Brigid righted her broom and examined the damage. “My best cape!”

“That ain’t a cape, it’s a robe,” Dot said. “Don’tcha know the difference?”

“It’s a cape,” Brigid said, “and I’ll fry you like a wrinkled potato, you old witch.”

She turned to dive-bomb Dot, but I levitated between them. “Back off, Brigid, or I’ll heal your ass!”

I felt kind of bad saying it.

Dot screwed up her face at me. “Not much of a threat, if ya know—”

Brigid came to a screeching—yes, more screeching!—halt.

Dot’s jaw dropped. “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s dim-witted third cousin twice-removed’s hairy armpit! What’s eatin’ her?”

“She knows that if I literally heal her ass, it might end up where her nose is.”

“You kin make that happen?”

“Not if I tried.”

“So, Vampdenzia,” Brigid yelled, “you think that just because you managed to accidentally blow up that unholy Orgasmism monster you created, you can come in here and mess with my genius plan?”

She’d called me worse names, but “Vampdenzia” cut. And I didn’t understand why. Brigid was such a wretched person that anyone she liked would have to be a total scumbag. I wanted her to hate me. “You are indeed a genius,” I said, “but people are having a hard time understanding—”

What the fuck am I saying?

Camille pushed past me. “Brigid, just last week you healed Paul.

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