The HIV Monologues by Cash Patrick;

Author:Cash, Patrick;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oberon Books

*

I take the tube home and sit in the shadows of my living room, staring at the mephedrone. The profile picture has soared past two hundred likes now. I scroll through all those names, all those identikit topless profile pictures, all those clicks of validation, and feel blank.

Then I see Alex’s name, and feel a strange glimmer of reaction.

I decide to take a shower. As I’m rubbing the soap into my hair, and cleansing my body, the demons descend to dance with the water’s steam. I will never be able to wash away this dirt inside my body. I’m not good enough. How could anybody truly want me, when I don’t even want myself?

I sink down to the floor of the bath, and sit with my head hung between my legs. Until I hear Dr Eros’ voice, saying:

“You are not any less worthy of love.”

I open my eyes. I see the crust of orange mould that has formed along the edge of the bath. The shower curtain is caked with dirt. Hairs and empty toiletries are scattered across the bathroom. The bin is overflowing with old toilet rolls, and the mirror is a mosaic of white spots from where I floss.

I stop the shower, put Blackout pumping through the flat, then return to the bathroom. It takes an hour, but I clear off the orange mould. I take down the shower curtain and put it to wash, I clear the floor and clean the mirror. Then I go into the kitchen: I do the two weeks’ worth of washing-up that’s piled across the counter. I scrub the blackened oven door until you can see it’s transparent again. I take out the rubbish and the colony of fruit flies that have started living there. I hoover the carpet, and wipe away the dust, and the stains that have collected on the walls.

When the whole flat is clean, I strip off the bed stained with the fluids of months of men, and collapse into the freshness of new, spotless sheets.

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