The Fine Art Of Erotic Talk: How To Entice, Excite, And Enchant Your Lover With Words by Bonnie Gabriel

Author:Bonnie Gabriel [Gabriel, Bonnie]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2010-05-20T16:00:00+00:00

This exercise is a variation on the erotic-questioning process you learned in Chapter 3. Sit or lie facing your lover and designate one of you to be Partner A, the first questioner/listener, and the other Partner B, the first responder. (For the purpose of this demonstration, let’s assume that A is a bypasser and B a nonbypasser.) A then asks B: “What do you need from me right now?” If B’s response is “I need for you to listen to me while I let you know how I’m feeling,” A may then choose to do exactly that or ask “Is it OK if I hold you in my arms while you talk?” Partner A will then go along with B’s wishes.

The rule for B is that she must only express feelings—fear, hurt, anger, sadness or joy—and not analyze the situation or make critical evaluations. (Criticism and analysis are often masks for withheld resentment or anxiety.) If you do find yourself criticizing your partner, e.g., “You’re always in such a hurry to get it on sexually, even when we’ve had a fight,” try rephrasing your comment in such a way that you express your emotions, e.g., “I feel angry” or “I feel anxious when you try to patch up our quarrels by becoming sexual.”

Other feelings that often plague nonbypassers might be expressed by “I want to please you sexually, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my own arousal if I go too fast” or “I’m scared that I won’t be able to live up to your expectations as a sexual performer” or “I don’t want to have sex right now, and I feel guilty about that.”

Partner A need only listen to B, or if it’s comfortable, occasionally to paraphrase what is being said to let B know she is being heard. For example, A might say, “You really want to please me but you want me to go slow enough so that you don’t feel left behind” or “You’re scared you won’t be able to be the kind of lover that I want.” Having one’s feelings acknowledged can be incredibly energizing and bonding.

Also, feeling safe enough to express our “no” or to acknowledge that we’re not interested in sex at the moment can enhance our self-acceptance and our sense of emotional and physical potency. In fact, there are numerous documented cases in the sex-therapy literature of people who thought they were impotent or frigid, but who simply needed to feel that they had the legitimate option to say “no” to their partner when they weren’t turned on. Once both partners could accept and acknowledge this and were willing to learn what was interfering with or missing from the unresponsive partner’s experience, sexual desire returned.

As partner B expresses each concern and A either listens attentively and silently or paraphrases what B has just said, A responds with “Is there any more you need to tell me?” When B says, “No, that’s all,” A looks into B’s eyes and paraphrases the message just conveyed, ending with “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth about how you feel.

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