The Disconnected Man by Jim Turner

Author:Jim Turner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: FaithWords
Published: 2017-12-12T05:00:00+00:00

Displays of Affection

Again, remember your man does things that to him speak of love: He doesn’t necessarily feel them beyond the surface. When he buys you flowers, or brings home a special treat, or hugs you or says, “I love you,” or uses his special name for you, or any other similar act, he honestly believes that he’s scaled the lofty mountains of love and shouted his affection from their highest peaks.

These things, these little ways he offers affection, may not be important to you. In the end, my wife told me that they weren’t important to her, at least not in comparison with what she really needed. She needed me to miss her, to be incomplete without her, to crave spending time with her. I didn’t have those feelings then and so it was obvious to her that they were not there. In contrast, I now feel all of those emotions. I hate being away from my wife now; I loved being alone then. I feel like I’m blundering and tripping over everything I do now without my wife’s wisdom. I made most of the decisions on my own then. I have a magnetic pull at my heart and feel incomplete when we are separated now. I felt complete and capable when I tackled things by myself then. (None of this meant that I wasn’t thinking about my wife then and doing everything I knew how to meet her needs and show her love.)

Now I understand. These little things he does to show his love might even become abrasive to you, since they are not tied to an eternal, passionate feeling of the two of you being bound together. That makes it difficult for you to sincerely receive them and enjoy them for what they are—his genuine expressions of love for you. I want to encourage you to try, though. Ask God to help you see with your mate’s eyes when he does something for you. Remember that to him, doing is loving. He does love you, and you need to know it.

Once you learn to accept his limited ability to show love, and then to appreciate it and reward him, you will be in a very good place to help him develop the skills he needs to truly show you love. He wants to, but remember that he has that haunting, unseen threat somewhere deep inside that he’s only conscious of when it bursts to the surface. So that invisible, subconscious instinct makes it very intimidating. It’s a distant place for him—a creeping shadow in the far recesses of his mind and heart. You’ll have to be satisfied with little morsels for now and keep praying and working for the banquet ahead.

I recently spoke with the wife of a disconnected man who is trying very hard to connect. She shared a couple of stories about how hard he is trying and how she has encouraged him. Last year they were going to a large family event and he asked her how he could use the event to work on connecting.

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