The Connected Parent by Lisa Qualls

Author:Lisa Qualls
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780736978934
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Published: 2020-05-18T00:00:00+00:00

6

Teach Respect

Lisa

Most children learn respect from the time they are tiny. They learn that their parents are in charge, will keep them safe, and are worthy of respect. A child from a hard place may have learned that adults cannot be counted on, are not safe, and are certainly not worthy of respect. Now this child has you for his or her parent, and respect is not coming naturally. So how do we teach respect whether the child is six, ten, or sixteen?

One morning when our son was six, he thrust his glass at me and said, “Milk!” This would have been cause for praise if he were a little one learning to talk, but at six, he could certainly do better than that. Rather than launching into a long lecture about that not being a respectful way to ask for something he wanted, I smiled and said in a light tone, “Try that again with respect.”

He lowered his glass and said, “Mommy, may I please have more milk?”

I answered, “Sure! Great job asking with respect!”

He smiled, clearly pleased he had done a good job.

That ended quite nicely, but many of our interactions do not. If this conversation had come to a stalemate, or if a control battle was clearly beginning, I might have offered choices as compromises. Sometimes we must set the bar low and then move it up as a child is able to regulate his emotions and actions.

Hands down, the tool I use most frequently is the simple script, “Try that again with respect.” Then I stop talking and wait. Often my child will rephrase their request in a way that shows respect.

In The Connected Child, Dr. Purvis addresses this in no uncertain terms.

Any time a child demands something or asks for it disrespectfully (this includes screaming at you), that request must be denied. Period. For example, let’s say your son comes running and belligerently shouts at you, “Give me money for the ice-cream truck!”

Don’t get distracted by his urgency. Calmly say to him, “If you want something, you need to ask with respect. If you ask without respect, the answer will always be no.”1

For many families, this is simply common sense, but when we’re parenting children from hard places, it can be difficult to know what is most important to tackle. Respect must be at the top of the list.

Respect—Step-by-Step

Let me show you step-by-step how I would handle this on a good day with one of my children. Suppose my son has just commanded me to help him with his chore.

I start by saying lightly, “Let’s try that again with respect.”

If he crosses his arms, furrows his brow, and continues being disrespectful, I move to the next step. I move closer and get down to his eye level. I touch his cheek and say, “Respect with your face.” I touch his arms and say, “Respect with your body.” I touch my lips (or his) and say, “Respect with your words.”

I give him a moment to process, and then I might touch his cheek, arm, and lips again without using words.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.