The Book of Moods by Lauren Martin

Author:Lauren Martin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: None
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2020-08-12T00:00:00+00:00

Find Your Flow

The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself.

—Diane von Furstenberg

Emotional distress, according to Dr. Miller, is always the result of disconnection, be it disconnection from other people, the self, or a larger community. I felt like I was disconnected from all three and it seemed like the best way back would be to start with myself. Because somewhere along the line, whether it was in the last three or thirteen years, I’d stopped being comfortable with myself and, in turn, my relationships. I’d become so insecure, so isolated, I didn’t know where I stood with anyone, let alone myself. I realized the question wasn’t What kind of friends do I want? The question was What kind of friend am I?

I thought I was a good friend. I could be fun. I was always on time and respectful and tried not to cancel plans. But I knew I was drinking more. And I was irritable. And judgmental. And I gossiped sometimes. Okay, a lot. And I never understood why I did it. Like that time at that bar in the West Village. I was with an old high school acquaintance who’d messaged me out of the blue to see if I wanted to grab a drink. After two white wines, we started talking to the two guys next to us and soon realized we had an acquaintance in common. Specifically, I knew someone the taller, blonder guy knew. Another writer. A writer whose book I’d read and enjoyed. Yet when he asked me what I thought of her book, I dismissed it. “It wasn’t that great,” I said.

“Oh, I thought it did very well,” he said.

“Maybe for her,” I said, regretting it the moment the words left my mouth.

As a result, I spent the next two weeks asking Jay if he thought the other writer would find out about what I said. “I wouldn’t worry about it,” he said. “But why’d you say it?” Because I’m insecure. Because I don’t think I’m a good writer so I have to project my fears of failure onto others. Because I have no control over myself.

I told him I didn’t know. But I knew that I didn’t want to be this person. I also knew that my chances of becoming friends with her were now that much slimmer. I’d sabotaged the friendship before it began while also showing those guys, and my high school friend, a side of myself I didn’t like.

I was projecting my insecurities onto those around me, pretending I couldn’t accept people, when in reality I couldn’t accept myself. “The more we love ourselves,” Louise Hay said, “the less we project our pain onto the world.” Unknowingly, I was projecting an energy that came from a deep place of pain. Carrying my insecurities around like armor, I was no longer comfortable, natural, easy to be around. I knew I wasn’t as fun as I used to be, like I was in high school and college.

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