The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Shepherd Margaret

Author:Shepherd, Margaret [Shepherd, Margaret]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction
ISBN: 9780307419330
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2007-12-18T06:00:00+00:00

How to Say No

Too much agreement kills a chat.

—Eldridge Cleaver, Soul on Ice, 1968

Someone once said, “Stress is when your mouth says yes and your gut says no.” Being civilized isn’t the same as being evasive or mealy mouthed, or saying yes when you really mean no. You probably spend your time with people who care enough about you to pay attention when you say what you mean, even when you have trouble saying what that is. What you do say and don’t say, and how you say it, can keep the conversation civilized when you have to say no.

You don’t have to refuse reasonable requests, such as “For the last time, would you clean up your room!” or “Can you help me? I’ve just been robbed!” Many unreasonable requests, however, come smiling up to you sounding reasonable, fooling you into agreement. For example, people often ask you to do something you don’t want to do and that you are not responsible for in the normal course of things— baby-sit, volunteer, make phone calls, give a talk, eat a second helping, have another drink, meet them at the last minute. Good manners do not require it. You know you don’t have enough time to do the job well. And if you’re really honest with yourself, you know you’ll resent it if you say yes. From “Spare change?” to “Would you be our chairman?,” you sometimes have to decline people’s requests.

When you have to say no, do say “No, thank you” or “No,” and back it up with one of the following phrases:

Short and Sweet

I just can’t.

Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I can’t possibly do it.

I’m Already Committed

(In business) I’m not taking on any new tasks/projects this [year/month]./My boss (or agent) wouldn’t be happy if I took that on.

My lawyer or my accountant or my family won’t let me. (And teenagers, memorize these five magic words: “My mom would kill me.”)

If I say yes now, I’d still let you down later.

I’m already spread a little too thin. My in-box is full.

I Have Physical Limitations

I’m allergic./I had some and it was delicious./I’ve already had seconds.

This was perfect.

I don’t drink. No, really, I can’t drink. It disagrees with me./One is my limit.

What’s the Reward?

Do you have a budget? (Will I be paid?)

Will my name be in the program (and be spelled correctly)?

(When freelancing) I can do that, but I’d have to turn down another job. (This signals that your professional time is not free.)/I can meet your deadline, but I’d have to charge extra for the rush job.

Here’s Another Solution

I’d rather be a committee member than a chairman (or vice versa).

I can’t do that, but I can do something else (donate something, give money, phone, attend).

I can do it next semester.

I’m not the best person for that job. Why don’t you try Ms. Wannadoo? (And be sure that this person will not hit the roof or duck the job.)

Don’t say:

I don’t know. I’ll think about it. Maybe. Beg me. Well, okay.

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