Terror to Triumph by Broken to Brilliant

Author:Broken to Brilliant
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-9945714-8-9
Publisher: Broken to Brilliant

When we met, I thought he was amazing. He was energetic and good-looking. He was intelligent and gentle, but he also had a cheeky side and would light-heartedly tease me to make me laugh. On our first date, he gave me a handwritten love letter and a necklace with a locket engraved with our initials. He was attentive and wanted to see me all the time.

Even though I was smitten and he showered me with gifts, I often felt an imbalance – that I loved him more than he did me. I tried to talk to him about our relationship, but he told me that if I couldn’t feel his love, then it proved that I was the one who didn’t care. Each time, I felt guilty, and apologised to him.

Over time, I became an expert at shrinking my thoughts, emotions and beliefs into a picture that he found appealing and acceptable. When he was happy, our life functioned well. When he found a reason to be unhappy with me or felt as if he was being questioned or challenged, he would shut me down, talk over me, disregard my thoughts as being stupid or wrong and withhold his love and affection.

Unconsciously, I tiptoed on eggshells to keep the peace, to keep him happy. I did whatever I needed to stop him from walking out. I never cried or showed anger or frustration as these were the emotions that annoyed him the most. I kept my wits about me, stayed calm and bit down hard to cope. It was such a gradual process that I didn’t recognise it was happening. I lost my identity and was merely a reflection of who he wanted me to be.

No matter how good I got at pleasing him, how good a wife I was, how good a mother I became, it was never enough. His goalposts kept changing.

I told him about a new gym that a friend was opening. I said I’d like to give it a try, but he told me it was too expensive for our income, the training methods were a waste of time and that I should know better. ‘Just do your morning jogs which don’t cost us any money,’ he said.

Two months later he told me I’d have to watch my spending because he had joined that gym. I’d have to find another time to jog because he’d signed up for classes at times when I usually ran. He rejected any attempts I made to discuss it, saying that it was typical that I never supported him.

I overlooked his various forms of abuse and narcissistic manipulation. I juggled to pay the bills, but he bought what he wanted at will and berated me for overspending. Our schedule was always his schedule – what suited him and when. I was left to organise our lives around his changing whims and often needed to alter plans at the last moment, so he wouldn’t get irritated.

I asked his permission for every social occasion before agreeing to invitations.

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