Say Yes to What's Next by Lori Allen

Author:Lori Allen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 2020-05-11T00:00:00+00:00

The Mother-in-Law

I’m now taking my experience with Lucille as a hopeful sign. We’ve all heard mother-in-law overreach stories—the woman who took it upon herself to rearrange the place cards at her daughter-in-law’s Christmas table, or the mom who expected her future daughter-in-law to take a back seat—in her own car—so she could sit next to her son.

I was always determined not to be that woman. I didn’t want to be the punch line, the butt of jokes. I wanted to be the cool mother-in-law, the one everybody got along with. That’s not what happened. In the process of trying to win everyone over, I tried too hard. I overcompensated, overdelivered, overgifted, and overgave of myself. I became the smothering mother-in-law instead. If I walked into either of my kids’ homes and they needed something, I made sure they got it as fast as Amazon Prime could deliver. Big mistake. I thought I was solving problems, but I was creating them instead. I had no idea that my generosity made everyone uncomfortable—both my children and the people they married. It was entirely my fault because I’m the one who overdid it. Because I’m generous by nature, it took a while to understand that my kids needed a healthy distance from me so they could make their own decisions.

I’m guessing that I’ve been the source of unhappy conversations between Mollie and Jason and between Becca and Cory, just as Lucille was the cause of arguments between Eddie and me. I never intended for that to happen, but just because a mom has good intentions doesn’t mean she’s not going to do something offensive.

I’ve been trying to work my way back, but it’s going to take a bit. As the mother of adult children who have spouses and families of their own, I’m a work in progress. I want to be able to say to Becca and to Jason, “Look, I’m trying my best here, but this is hard for me. I have a very difficult time keeping my opinions to myself—always have. I recognize that sometimes I may say or do the wrong thing. Please understand that I don’t mean to be hurtful. If I stumble, if something I’ve done or said has made you angry, that was not what I intended. If I’ve offended you, please let’s talk about it together, just the two of us. What I want more than anything is to make the best of this relationship for each of us and for the person we both love.”

This is one arena where I can take some pointers from my daughter. I’m very proud that Mollie has been able to develop her relationship with her mother-in-law, Jason’s mom. She makes a point of inviting Brenda to do fun things together, just the two of them. Over the years their relationship has grown into a genuine friendship, and they now talk to each other freely.

The game changer? Mollie chose to truly embrace Jason’s family as her family and reached out to Brenda—because that’s what it takes for a relationship to blossom.

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