Romps, Tots and Boffins by Robert Hutton

Author:Robert Hutton
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Elliott and Thompson Limited

* Periodically, someone steals a JCB, or a milk float. Reporters are positively encouraged to describe the ensuing pursuits as ‘low-speed chases’.

* Theologically, of course, there are no innocent victims.

EVERYONE’S A CRITIC

Nancy Banks-Smith, the television critic of The Guardian, whose simple, beautiful prose brings tears to the eye, observed: ‘Anybody who can write can be a TV critic for a month. After that you need stamina.’ If you fancy a go at criticism but can’t write, here are some phrases you might want to try out.

acclaimed • quite good. Or try ‘iconic’ or ‘seminal’.

anarchic • unfunny.

enjoyable romp • although I am a highbrow reviewer, I can appreciate the lighter side of life, and don’t just enjoy 800-page novels about men dying slowly in Antarctica.

helmed by • the means by which a ‘wunderkind director’ brought his new offering into the world.

high-octane • a film that features at least three explosions and a chase where a car spins round while the driver shoots someone.

kooky • the best way to describe any even slightly intelligent female singer.

lapidary prose • I started skipping pages a quarter of the way in, but I don’t think I missed anything.

mixed reviews • friend wrote/produced/starred in it, but to be honest, it stank and we all know it.

muscular riffing • this is how they get the sound of those ‘sprawling guitars’ to dominate the ‘soundscape’.

must-read • a friend wrote it, and it hasn’t been ‘panned’ by everyone else yet.

offering • what the artist has humbly laid before the public.

outing • another way of describing someone’s latest offering.

page-turner • it’s dross, but we’ve got to admit, it’s compelling dross.

plumped for the duck • what one’s companion did in a restaurant review.

ratings smash • the editor’s kids like it.

return to form • we may not have mentioned at the time that their last album stank, but let’s face it, it did.

richly textured • what an offering might be.

rip-roaring • there’s plenty of sex, and it starts early on.

singer/songwriter • interestingly, never used to describe Bob Dylan.

sophomore • their second outing.

soul/funk workout • you’ll really hate this.

tome • of course I didn’t read it all – it’s 700 pages. But I read as much of it as you will.

top director • hasn’t won an Oscar yet.

towering • what guitars, and indeed offerings, often are.

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