Relativity by Ben Adams

Author:Ben Adams
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: humorous, satirical, contemporary american fiction, men's fiction, friendship, middle-age crisis, witty
Publisher: BHC Press
Published: 2022-02-24T00:00:00+00:00

ON MONDAY, THE day after Harry’s house burned down, I made a pretty drastic life change. I was at the grocery store with Amanda when it happened, standing in front of the beer aisle looking at my options. There were all these different microbrews I could get. There were sour beers infused with various fruits, porters aged in bourbon barrels. The alcohol content was really high, meaning I only had to drink one to get a good buzz, two if I wanted to forget that I’d just spent the morning filling out paperwork. They were all tempting. But what did I grab? A case of light beer—my go-to when I didn’t give a shit about what I drank.

Amanda was in another aisle reading the back of a bag of lentil mix.

“Is there a cheeseburger in that bag?” I set the case of beer in the cart.

“We’re on a diet,” Amanda said. She’d been talking about this for a couple of weeks, and I guess today was the day.

“We?”

“You and me. A diet. No more carbs. No more sugar. No more cholesterol.”

“You just sucked all the fun out of eating.”

“You know what’s not going to be fun?” Amanda asked.

“Eating lentil mix.”

“Visiting you in the hospital when you have intestinal cancer from all the processed foods you eat.”

“Processed food? All food is processed.”

“How many bags of Cheez-E Twistz do you think you eat in a given day?”

“I dunno,” I said, knowing full well the only reason I insisted on having a key to the vending machine was so I could get some Cheez-E Twistz.

“Three. You eat three bags a day. I’ve been to your office and counted the empty bags in the trash. We’re going on a diet. Starting with this.”

Amanda lifted the case of beer out of the cart. When we first started going out, the first thing I said to her was that I was too old to change. She told me all she wanted was someone who was reliable. Now she was trying to get me to put my beer back.

“Too much sugar.” She slapped my gut.

I put my hand on the case. “The beer stays.” I wasn’t about to let her mess with my beer. It was the only way I could get through the rest of the day.

“Dennis, the past couple of days have been really challenging for me.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“I need you to support me right now. Just…just put the beer back, okay? Can you do that for me?”

I walked back to the beer aisle, grumbling about how it was my choice if I wanted to drink or not. I eyed the bourbon barrel-aged beer. I knew I shouldn’t push it. I could get a drink on the way home from work tomorrow. So I let the beer sit there.

I looked over my shoulder. Amanda was still counting calories somewhere. I pulled out my phone. I had a text from Jennifer. The first half was just some small talk, saying she’d been talking to this girl we went to high school with, Jane Ringland, about me.

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