One Million Tiny Plays About Britain by Craig Taylor

Author:Craig Taylor
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury UK
Published: 2009-12-31T16:00:00+00:00

Play no. 50

(A man and his girlfriend order in a late-night kebab shop in Portsmouth)

Ed Chicken and chips, yeah? Then chips, portion of chips, chips, chips and pitta and what? Burger and chips for Tooley?

Stace He wanted chips with it, too.

Ed I ordered it with chips, yeah? Another chips then.

Adnan Please slow down.

Ed Am I not speaking English? And what you want Stace?

Stace I’m going to be sick.

Adnan Not in the shop, please. No sick in the shop.

Ed Save it till we get out, Stace. Just save it.

Stace A bit came up, though.

Ed I’m not queuing again, am I? Just save it.

Adnan No sick in the shop, please.

Ed Yeah, we understand English, all right? What does Stevie want?

Stace He’s being sick right now.

Ed But after that.

Stace Chips with chicken, he said.

Ed In a pitta, or what? I’m not a mind reader.

Adnan That’s another portion of chips, then?

Ed Am I not speaking English to you? Chips, yeah? Chicken and chips, chips, chips, portion of onion.

Stace I’m not having a portion of onion.

Ed Onion baji with garlic sauce, is what I said.

Adnan And what sauce on the chips?

Ed Yeah. Exactly. And another portion of chips. And did Heather want chips?

Stace Were you dancing with Heather?

Ed What? What you on about?

Stace When I was getting drinks. You were dancing with her.

Ed She was just nearby.

Adnan Garlic sauce on everything?

Stace Why you buying chips for Heather if you weren’t dancing with her?

Ed It’s one portion of chips.

Stace Why aren’t you buying me chips?

Ed ‘Cos you’re being sick in your mouth.

Stace You could at least buy me chips as a sign, instead of her.

Ed And waste a portion?

Stace It’s what it means, yeah? You don’t even know what chips means.

Adnan Any drinks with that?

Stace Fine. Give chips to her, then. Give her all your chips. Fine.

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